This is a humble attempt to capture the inexplicable internal and interpersonal events that took my breath away September’2025 onwards, after the Arpit & Darsh chapters of my dating app career
All through June & most of July, I was trying to organise & handle my seesaw feelings about Arpit, the toxic ‘harmless’ ‘hot & cold’ lusty wannabe ‘daddy’.
Most of August I was “playing around” (virtually, textually) with Darsh, off and on. He was mostly focused on his creative life (good for him, seriously!) and we kept in touch almost every day, but not all the time. As I narrated in my previous ‘dating app world’ post (The Last of My Bumblebees), Darsh shared his sincere feelings/ thought, “I am half-assing my connections and it doesn’t feel right to me… you might get hurt” with me on a Friday night (Sep 5th, 2025).
He is a good man for articulating and sharing this with me. Bless him.
I wasn’t going to get “hurt by him focusing on himself” because I knew what this was between us – a casual-horny-friendly-sweet-sincere mutual admiration, and I wasn’t considering him as a serious partner for Me of course (!!!!). For a hundred reasons.
I had been, however, definitely getting more and more enamoured by the thought I had had in July, “I want to love a man“. And I feel like I shared this thought with Darsh that night because I wanted to end things between us. Expectedly, he mildly freaked out (seems like it to me).
My thinking (“I want/ need to LOVE A MAN“) was increasingly being shaped by my intuition, random thoughts/ ideas that would occur to me, a series of ‘womb meditations’, ‘feminine energy‘ works that I had signed up for (all of August), art therapy sessions that I had been taking (Aug-Sep) etc. – and I was arriving at this conclusion rapidly – I have to stop scattering my feminine energy amongst multiple people, and ALSO the man I want to love might not even be on the dating app stratosphere.
I knew I had to pull all of my focus, lust, attention back to myself, while I settled into this new revelation – being ready for a ‘committed relationship’. To sit whole again, not restless, not desperate, not afraid of age-old loneliness. To stop looking outside of me for the love that I desire now, suddenly, almost overnight.
I knew I had to disinvest from all the half-connections, half-loves– these dating app men seeking ‘something casual’ – they had taught me a lot of lessons, given me lots of joy, excitement, conversation, helped with my loneliness, worked wonders for my “newbie” self-confidence (having received a lot of desire, lust, devotion, praise from many good boys & men) – but it was time to move on.
It was time to level up by bowing out.
You see where this is going, right?
After saying “let’s sleep on it” re: “should we let each other go“, I said good night to dear sweet beautiful Darsh on Sep 5th, 2025. I broke into a quiet little cry for a few seconds and the emotion was crystal clear. The subject matter was too.
I cried because I knew I had to let Darsh go, I cried because I knew I must close all those doors and windows that I had opened over the last one year (July 2024-Aug 2025) of participating on dating apps. I cried because that meant that I would be all alone, by myself again, no one to witness me, no one to talk with, no one to flirt with, to one to lust with, no one to alleviate my boredom (c’mon! we all do this on dating apps! most of us are deeply lonely and bored).
During that tear-fall, I saw myself standing all alone at the edge of something deep dark and vast. I felt like I was leaving a last friend behind, and stepping into outer space, afloat, lonesome, JUST ME, not a friendly face in sight.
JUST ANJURI. SOLO.
ONCE AGAIN.
I fell asleep that night knowing how I would have to start the next morning – saying my goodbyes.
I started with Darsh – wrote him a love note and said goodbye to him, “I am letting you go“. I knew he would wake up much later than I, see the note, understand, agree and reply lovingly. He did.
I got ready for the day, went out for a long drive, my typical & favourite route on the outskirts of Kanpur. On that drive, I was thinking about “what now” and the answer was obvious – “write your goodbyes to all the men today itself“. This gave me goosebumps. It was a terrifying thought. I knew I had to do this, but I was terrified to. So many men that I have liked, talked with, shared lust with, admired, learnt from, enjoyed – fuck! How would I let them all go in one fell swoop?!?!?!?!
I don’t know if you get this, dear reader, but this hit me hard. Ever since my divorce in 2019, I had allowed myself ‘casual connection’ with men for about a year only and now I was shutting that door for good. It felt like a tough ask. A tough goodbye.
I returned home and began.
Its uncanny how the Sailor aka PKB, my one actual singular lover had texted me a loving “I miss youuuuuu baby!” the previous night after I had cried thinking of letting Darsh go. I had ignored his text, deciding to respond to this the next day with a clear mind.
I started the goodbyes with PKB – I wrote him a note, with the central messages being “I have to let you go” “thank you” “you were a joy”. I wrote clearly “I am being spiritually guided to now prepare for my next big story” – YES, you read that right – I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS haha – and it could make me sound cuckoo-bananas to those who do not speak my language, but those who do would get it. The Sailor did. He knows all about my ayahuasca life. So, if not fluent in, he is familiar with the language I feel, speak and imagine in. The language of spiritual magic, serendipity, destiny, nature, psychedelics, dreams, intuition etc.
PKB, the sailor, replied lovingly. What a doll!
Okay, so to keep it short, I said goodbyes to all my dudes from Bumble & Hinge, barring the stritctly platonic friends, that same morning. Rip THE BAND-AID, they say. I did.
Out of my lustful friendships, Gaurav (one of my first and longest Bumble connections, the one who really helped me explore my sexiness, lust, kinks and goddess-ness in 2024-25, the one who urged me to go for Vipassana as well) was the unfortunate one in the way that he dealt with me after I informed him of the change in me and our future dynamic – I communicated with him that the flirting or kinkiness will end, now that I have moved on to my next spiritual chapter – he reacted by whining slightly and continuing to flirt/ sext with me. Since he had been an important friend for me, I let it slide that once and reminded him of my new resolve re: ‘no casual flirting/ sexting/ sexy talk’ but then after a few days he ignored my request/ resolve again and then I chose to cut him off – I blocked him and let him go from my life – honestly, I didn’t feel like I owed him my friendship/ presence when he couldn’t honour my decision.
[I was doubly pissed at his behaviour because not long ago he had asked me to be platonic with him after he had come back from his Vipassana stint. He had claimed to have become ‘sexless’ or celibate or not horny at all overnight, which I understand. I had complied because I try to respect boundaries, even though they may be inconvenient for me (I’m not claiming perfection here, just reporting facts) – I was flummoxed and actually offended by his hypocritical sulky reception of my resolve to be strictly platonic with him and everyone else hence.]
Anyway, so all the casual lust had been put a stop to. No more casual energy-investment in uni-dimensionally lustful connections/ conversations!! With full faith in my resolve, I even deleted the apps in one fell swoop that day itself.
[Mind you this was September 6, 2025. The day before the full moon eclipse. I know almost NOTHING about astrology, but I do believe that certain astrological events do impact our lives/ my living experiences. And there was such a big noise about the September Eclipse being a colossal deal, a moment of stupendous change – significant endings and beginnings, internal or external, as per most pundits & platforms. And even though I had no knowledge of what that meant for the world or for zodiac signs or for me – but the coincidence was glaring at me that morning. I could not stop crying the whole damn day!]
So, the goodbyes were done by mid-morning. I was okay, sitting and doodling something in my sketchbook. When suddenly, tears started falling onto the page I was drawing on. I was full-on sobbing. I got up frantically, shut my bedroom door, because I wanted to keep my crying private. I mean, if someone passed by and asked me whats up, what was I supposed to say? How to explain what was happening to me, when even I wasn’t fully sure of it?
I sobbed and sobbed. I even video-recorded myself crying, because it was sort of unexpected and inexplicable for a minute. And then the feelings and thoughts rushed up to my awareness. I continued to cry almost all day, remembering how lonely and tough these past 8-10 years had been, not to mention the decade before that or actually the one before that too!
I felt almost saturated with grief, fear, tiredness, hopelessness. I was asking “how hopeful do I have to be? for how long? How am I expected to live without a grand big romantic love for so long, being the lovergirl that I am? I am basically a giant ball of love and lust, with nowhere to go! And before any of you could point out – ohhhhh, there are so many places to put your love into – Go shove off! I already give my Love freely to animals, insects, trees, people, strangers! F Off!
(hahaha, sorry)
I wanted a man to love me, (after choosing to be single for 6 years) in the purest, deepest, rawest, loyal, adoring, invested, committed sense of the word, dammit! I deserve nothing less! AND I WANTED TO DO THE SAME!
To get to the point – literally overnight I went from wanting/ seeking only casual sexting and flirtation with a harem of good men To desiring a soul-merging committed relationship with the next significant love of my life!! WTF.
I genuinely do not know where this came from. I do not claim to understand it. I could only obey it. Its an inner calling. A demand, an instruction, a command. And I stood speechless, flummoxed and helpless in the face of this new ask.
Why?
Because since my marriage and divorce, I had become a careful, cynical woman. Not ready to open myself up to Love or a Man fully. I had basically sworn off monogamy, love, a committed relationship, deep vulnerability, devotion to one man etc – all those things that are basic ingredients of ‘being in love’. I was closed off. Scared to blossom into a lovergirl ever again. Because lovergirls get hurt and heartbroken. And hadn’t I had enough heartbreak for this lifetime already?!?!?!?
I spent the next couple of months meditating to get clear on what I want, orgasming to my future love, not missing the instant gratification hamster-wheel of dating apps in the least (!!!! I had expected to be horny, lonely, regretful, bored and needy for those men that I had shared my lust with, but miraculously I didn’t!)
I began using the peak of my orgasm to let my imagination lead me to Him energetically, a picture of this man, a silhouette. Let me explain.
I anyway had had this idea of ‘big strong man‘, ‘a man I can climb‘ (as I write this, I am myself rolling my eyes, shaking my head in an embarrassed disbelief lol) in my mind since months now – and this idea/ these words had also randomly appeared to me in meditation/ sitting quietly one random day. I am admitting once again that its not like I am sitting and figuring out what I want – on the contrary I am simply receiving and acknowledging random messages that I receive in my brain. shrug emoji.
So at the peak of my orgasm, I began letting my mind paint me a faint picture of this big strong man. And once again, without any plans to do this, my mind started showing me a silhouette of a tall man with a broad build, a man bun, long hair, walking towards me. That’s all. I kept seeing this over and over every time I orgasmed.
Oh this needs to be stated here as well – the quality & nature of my orgasm had changed drastically since July 2025 when I discovered my first useful self-pleasure toy – Leezus Pyaari – a clit-stimulator. The orgasms this little thing gives me are so intense that oftentimes they feel like death, like my heart might stop, like I might max out my ‘ability to feel’ and burst into confetti at the peak. They are usually soundless (!!!) and afterwards I am left as a mess of breath, closed eyes, shivers, twitches and sighs. Fucking unbelievable! (Thank you Pyaaaarrriiiii!!)
So at the peak of such orgasms I was seeing this big strong man silhouette walking towards me.
Apart from these horizontal meditations (haha), I also began thinking about what this man and this relationship should be like – basically a wishlist of ‘what does Anjuri want‘. And I will not go into the details here – BUT I HAVE TO NOTE THAT IT BECAME A LONG LIST OF PERFECTIONS IN LOVE (spoiler alert – life ain’t perfect, man ain’t perfect, I am far from perfect) and that was a waste of time for sure, but since this was new territory for me (imagining real romantic commitment after a failed marriage & the long romantic hiatus since separation-divorce) I let myself explore without judging myself or holding back in my imagination.
One random day, I saw a series of paintings on Instagram by an artist exploring ‘divine feminine and divine masculine and their union’ and (duh!) there it was – a silhouette of Lord Shiva (!!!!!! scream emoji) – this fucking stopped my breath and I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole – it turns out that unwittingly I had been orgasm-meditating on an age-old mythic image of Lord Shiva – ME! Me! WTF! Me – a woman who has mocked religion & its devotees since forever! WTF!
In essence, I had a lady hard-on for Lord Shiva at 41 years of age, out of the blue! What the actual fuck!?!?
This was shocking and revolting at first because I hold a sort of revulsion when it comes to any religion or dieties and mainstream symbols. HOW THE FUCK DID LORD SHIVA ENTER MY INNER MUSINGS ABOUT MY NEXT BIG LOVE!!! WTF was happening to me!?!?!?!?
After experiencing a brief identity crisis as a woman who only believes in Ayahuasca being God and Nature/ Earth being God, a woman who cannot reconcile with the Shiva imagery with any reasonable acceptance – because I have always been ‘too cool’ for any Hindu Gods or worship – I had to set aside this spiritual embarrassment, and dive into what it means in terms of masculinity.
I read up about Divine masculinity from the lens of the Shiva archetype and then it started to make some sense. It’s beautiful actually. And I do not know if such men even exist. The divine masculine types. I don’t even know if I am eligible to be loved by such a man. Could I possibly be a Shakti to a Shiva? (Rolling my eyes in disbelief at this verbiage I am using here. Forgive me)
On one of my long drives, I asked for a sign that I am not going crazy (re: sudden Shiva lust), and I passed by a ‘maggi & chai’ stall with a Lord Shiva poster hung proudly (facepalm emoji). I quickly dismissed that becuase religious worship is rampant in India, and people hang tons of diety-posters in their homes and places of business.
I asked for other signs that I wasn’t insane (and by that I mean – to reiterate – I intermittently ask Nature/ Mumma Aya to show me a specific clear sign that I am loved/ I am okay/ Not going crazy etc. and more often than not she shows me a peacock/ peahen) and peacocks and peahens started appearing. I accepted these messages and carried on.
I planned a solo trip (most of my trips are solo anyway) to the hills for the end of November’25 around a Full Moon because the hills had been calling me back ever since that life-altering trip to Mussourie back in April 2017 (the trip wherein my ex-husband and I broke up and decided to go our separate ways). I followed the hunch and went. It was an adventure. The hills gave me a ton of solitude, wonder, stillness and closure. The Full Moon was intense. The day of the full moon (there are no coincidences, at least not in my life), I went uptil the lower part of Ladakh with the woman whose BnB I was staying at, she drove us to see snow (very very cool lady!!). At about 15000 ft I began to feel an incredibly powerful dis-ease in my head and chest, and then I began to cry. Also this was the death anniversary of my paternal grandmother – Dec 4th – she had died abruptly, in the pink of health, at 72, the year I had gone off to do my postgrad. She has never appeared in my dreams. I briefly saw her face in a 2020 Aya ceremony. I asked her to show herself to me in my 2023 ceremonies – no answer. But at 15000 ft on Dec 4th’2025, she was on my mind. And I burst into tears. KP, the cool woman who was driving us through those snowclad mountains, held my hand through it. She cried too.
It was a gorgeous moment, totally unexpected.
She told me later that she often feels this unbearable urge to cry each time she is at that altitude. I googled it later, and apparently its common.
I had gone to the hills to meditate on the Full Moon. I had this romantic notion that I would send out a beacon, an energetic invitation, a “I’m raising my hand baby, I’m here!” to my Future Big Strong Man from a high enough altitude under the starlit Full Moon sky. I couldn’t.
Conversations between KP (my BnB lady) & I that evening about what I want from life, what I am imagining my next partner to be like, ‘what I bring to the table’ etc. had turned into her questioning my ideas & life choices, me feeling & being defensive, embarrassed at my naivete and ideas of perfection. I totally shut down that night. Of course, the altitude-headache & dehydration did not help (I hadn’t drunk nearly enough water that day due to fearing lack of toilet-infrastructure meant for women).
We drove back to our BnB by night, I settled into bed with a bad headache, a tired timid heart and tears in my eyes. I did not meditate. I briefly gave up on love and ‘my man’ that night – the total opposite of what I had come to the hills to do.
The next morning was different. I was back online with notions of ‘Anjuri deserves romantic love and a big strong loving man‘. After a couple more days there, I travelled back to Kanpur, my home. Went about my routine of aerial yoga, reformer pilates, my dog, for about 2 weeks after which I broke a small bone in my right foot.
It was the most unremarkable/ unadventurous fracture ever! But it was the first fracture of my 41 year lifespan. New achievement unlocked! Haha!
Everything came to a halt. No more working out and feeling hot. It was time for a forced retreat from the world. A forced hibernation during which I was meant to learn to love myself without having proof of performance – to reiterate, I have been a fat girl for over a decade, have been hated, ridiculed and judged for it by my parents and the world at large, but worst of all by ME myself -in the aftermath of divorce and then COVID it all became worse, a sort of paralysis. But then in 2025 I had this beautiful momentum where I became someone active and happy with her body, started feeling fitter and sexy and hot and lustful and luscious. AAAAAAaaaaannnnnnd just when I thought I had gathered enough momentum to ‘never stop’ delighting in my body – BAM! fracture – of the fucking foot. So, okay, Anjuri – now just sit on your ass and prepare for another period of body-related depression/ inertia (duration unknown).
From Dec’25 to March’26 Anjuri had to learn to like herself without proof of hyper-flexibility doing aerial yoga, without proof of hyper-performance/ endurance through swimming 1-2km a day, without dressing up and looking cute in crop tops.
FUCK!
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