Vipassana (Jan 19-30th 2025)

(A long overdue post, about my first Vipassana retreat)

“Vipassana meditation is a form of mindfulness meditation that comes from the original teachings of Gautam Buddha. It is a way of observing oneself without judgment, and it is said to be helpful in achieving enlightenment. Usually, it’s done over the course of 10 days.” – says Dr. Google.

Actually I never googled Vipassana till after coming back, till i decided to write this post about my experience. As per usual, my belief and approach is to colour myself and my mind with as little “info” as is possible before I personally experience any substance or event or practice.

Hence, apart from knowing that it is a silent retreat, one where you are asked to/ supposed to stay quiet for the entire duration – and that “students” are made to/ expected to meditate for hours on end every day – I did not know much else about Vipassana till the day I landed on the Dhamma Lakkhanna (on the outskirts of Lucknow) centre campus for admission. And thereafter, each day was a discovery – a step by step education on the world of Vipassana.

There is some context to this – me applying for and attending my first Vipassana course in 2025 January – and it is this:

The first time I heard of Vipassana was when I applied to sit for my first Ayahuasca ceremonies in 2020. It came up in conversation with Brother T – when he gave me that first call, which mostly consisted of – “are you sure you want to do Ayahuasca ceremonies? Are you ready? What do you know about it? Tell me about your recent life events; You should know an Aya ceremony is a very serious undertaking” etc. If I remember correctly, he also asked me if I had ever undertaken a Vipassana course. I replied “no, I don’t even know what that is, but I shall find out”.

In subsequent conversations, and in sharing circles later, Brother T would often encourage all of us seekers to go for at least Vipassana course as soon as we could. He recommended it to us like a prescription. He brought it up multiple times.

That’s when I spoke about it with a friend of mine, Aditi, who today is steadily transforming into a powerful and influential psychotherapist. I remember she had mentioned that she had gone for a 10-day Vipassana course twice already. And she also encouraged me to go for it, at least once.

Sister J, a goddess from our Aya circles, also urged me to go for one.

So, you see, Vipassana, and I guess S N Goenka (the official champion, ambassador & propeller of the Vipassana teachings in India, he left his human form in 2013) have been nudging me slowly in their direction, inviting me over and over into the world of Vipassana.

Satya Narayana Goenka was an Indian teacher of vipassana meditation. Born in Burma to an Indian business family, he moved to India in 1969 and started teaching meditation. His teaching emphasized that the Buddha‘s path to liberation was non-sectarian, universal, and scientific in character. He became an influential teacher and played an important role in establishing non-commercial Vipassana meditation centers globally. He was awarded the Padma Bhushan by the Government of India in 2012, an award given for distinguished service of high order.

Ever since I heard about Vipassana, whatever little information I did allow into my worldview, I felt intimidated by it. Silence, for 10 days? No tech for 10 days? No cellphone for 10 days? Off the grid for 10 days? Just me & my thoughts and my silence for 10 days? Sitting in one posture for meditation for hours on end, for 10 days?

Hell, I can’t even sit with legs folded for more than 5 mins at a stretch. Either or both fall painfully asleep, and the pins and needles terrify me, they haunt me. Its painful each time. I have never been one to be able to sit quietly, at peace, with legs folded for more than 2 mins ever – hence when during my first Aya ceremony, I noticed that I had gone for hours sitting cross legged in one place for hours, the whole duration of a 5-6 hour ceremony – I was shocked!

And then of course, I justified that as being the effect of Aya. Its the medicine, not me! Without Ayahuasca, Anjuri would never be able to sit in one place, cross legged for more than a minute or two – EVER! That was my assumption. So, Vipassana scared me on all counts.

Also, Aditi, my friend, had shared with me that she began and continued to see a ghost in her room every night at the Vipassana centre, when she started meditating there. Eeeesh! That detail stayed with me for years, and I had zero interest in having my thoughts materialise into physical/ visual form and haunt me in my room. Especially, since I have had a few sleep-paralysis episodes during my separation & divorce days.

Even though, I confidently say that Aya has made me so brave and bulletproof, nothing scares me, I can weather all nature of experiences while working with psychedelics, because I know that there is no such thing as a ‘bad trip’ etc. – this doesn’t mean that I’d volunteer to see ghosts in my room at night. Haha.

And I was using this as an excuse to not go for Vipassana, because obviously I know that no two people’s experiences are ever going to be the same – just because my friend’s psyche manifested a ghost in her room, doesn’t mean mine would too. But yeah, what can I say… it was an excuse, a silly & lazy one.

Also I mistakenly assumed that since I tend to talk quite a bit (when inclined to, not all the time), talk loudly, and laugh so loudly and so often that there was no way that I could ever stay quiet for even an hour!

Girl, was I wrong?!

The easiest parts of the 10-day course, for me, were the silence & the no-tech part. I thrived being quiet and not having a cellphone or any other screen.

Before I get further into the details of my first Vipassana experience, I should begin by talking about what made me finally decide to go for it in the first place.

Like I mentioned above, many people, people whom I trust, respect and tend to agree with usually – many of those people recommended that I sign up for Vipassana (ever since 2020). But it was my new (lusty) friend Gaurav, whom I met on Bumble and am quite fond of, HE TOLD ME TO GO FOR IT, AND I DID!!!!!!! Whattttttt.

Bumble & Vipassana – what an odd combination, right?! Isn’t life just totally delightful.

One random day in December’2024, Gaurav, during a regular text chat, casually said, “Anjuri, let’s go for Vipassana together”. I said “Huh!?”

Turned out, Gaurav, this ultra-lusty 40 year old, who had been encouraging my lustiness and my erotic urges online, championing my deep dark fantasies – had apparently done over four Vipassana courses already!

So, anyway, one day, in a random conversation, he told me he and a friend of his are going for a course at Hoshiarpur (Punjab) and he encouraged me to join them. At first instance, my old reservations resurfaced – my instant reaction was going to be “no, no… its not for me Gaurav”, but then I don’t know what happened but I thought, “Anjuri, its time. Just say yes, its okay”. I was once again just thinking that this is a divine invitation, that the creative forces of my universe are using Gaurav as a channel for the introduction & addition of Vipassana to my arsenal of spiritual tools.

It wasn’t an enthusiastic Yes, but a Yes nevertheless. I told Gaurav, “let me apply & see”. Long story short, I applied, I got a confirmation of my application. I accepted the confirmation. But I did say to Gaurav, “its not a good idea to go for Vipassana with people you know”. Especially for us both, Gaurav & I, since it would be the first time we would see each other in person, at the Vipassana retreat, there would be some excitement, some curiosity – basically a distraction, which should be avoided at all times since the investment of those 10 days is hard & dilligent work that you sign up for.

But Gaurav said, “no no, women and men are separated from the get go, we won’t even get to see each other, let alone speak” etc. but honestly I wasn’t convinced.

Regardless, since the retreat was more than a month & a half away at that time, I began looking at travel plans for the retreat. While I was doing that, one morning it occurred to me that I didn’t need to travel so far from where I live to attend a Vipassana course, I should look for something closer to home – and that’s easy to do since there are numerous Vipassana centres across my country (and apparently even across the world). I found one about 120km from my home. It had me excited because I could link another recent personal goal I have been nursing in my heart – becoming a confident solo inter-city driver.

I fantasized about driving my tiny automatic car along NH27, the highway, all cool and slick (hahaha). And by the way, I eventually did. I have become quite the cool, calm and confident highway driver. I am mighty proud of that. More on this later.

I told Gaurav that I am cancelling my confirmation at the centre he was going to, and instead applying to the one closer to me. Dhamma Lakkhana (outside Lucknow, Uttar Pradesh). He jovially said, “it doesn’t matter where you go, as long as you learn this technique of meditation. I am excited about Anjuri learning something new!!”. I love this guy.

Again, within days my application was accepted. The centre kept sending me emails every now and then to inform me about the seriousness of this undertaking and kept asking me to cancel/ confirm in all seriousness since there is a waiting list of about a 100 students/ seekers for the dates I had applied for. January 19th to 30th, 2025.

I kept reading their long emails that basically read like warnings (hahaha! and rightfully so). It sort of reminded me of Ayahuasca. How they try to warn you about the commitment you need to show in preparation and post-process, how its not fun and games, it ain’t a trip, a party, how its an investment in yourself, how its a deeply spiritual endeavour.

So is Vipassana. Vipassana has a few strict rules every student must adhere to. Here are a few key ones:

Stay is mandatory for the entire duration of the course i.e. 10 days.

Complete silence – Arya Mawn – Noble Silence they call it – a beautiful concept – zero communication in any form – no voice, no gestures, no eye contact, no reading, no writing. They say “imagine you are there all by yourself, no one else is there at the centre – just you”. And it actually makes a lot of sense in the big picture spiritual context as each individual charts her/ his own path/ journey in this human life anyway.

No electronics for the entire duration of the course. One deposits all electronics and reading+writing materials along with other valuables into individual lockers, of which each student holds the key themselves through the course.

Strictly following the set schedule – the day starts at 4am, ends at 9.30pm with pre-determined slots for meditations (total 10 hours of meditation each day), sermons, breaks, breakfast, lunch, snack times (only 2 meals served each day, 1st meal at 6.30am, last meal is at 11 am). Students must adhere to the entire time table on each of the 10 days.

Students must make the strictest efforts to not disturb fellow students.

I must admit, and I think others would agree, when one starts receiving these lengthy emails about the rules, and the warning-type tone of “beware, this is mighty tough”, one can have doubts about one’s ability and inclination to follow through. But to me, despite feeling apprehensive and slightly overwhelmed with this info and warning barrage, it felt like I had no choice – I had to do this. Now. No way out. I have to do it. It makes no rational sense actually – as to why I would think so – but its just a gut feeling, as per usual, and that’s how I go about living my life – by gut instincts and intuitive leanings.

So, with that knowledge and “feeling” in my heart, I kept replying to their consecutive emails with a ‘fake it till you make it’ type “YES” – as in, yes you Vipassana in-charge people, yes please consider my seat reservation a RESOUNDING CONFIRMATION.

Long story short, I ended up at the Vipassana (will refer to it as Vips through the rest of this post) center, I drove myself through the thickest fog I have witnessed envelop a city and its outskirts. Drove on the highway in such thick fog for the first time. I also had a bit of fever and cold cough, that took hold of me two days before I was meant to start my Vips program. Apparently this kind of thing is to be expected when it comes to cold feet about attending Vips. The volunteers who signed me in into the program at the venue, reiterated and confirmed this with me – “madam, people face all sorts of obstacles – their mind plays tricks on them – because the mind knows that you are about to try to master it, it wants to make you feel like Vips is the wrong choice, or somehow a jinxed endeavour, so you may develop somatic symptoms, fever, “a bad feeling”, migraines, general lack of wellbeing, palpitations etc. just so that you chicken out from attending vips.”

Well, upon hearing this, I was reminded of the run-up to Ayahuasca – how Brother T had pre-warned me about feeling insanely intense emotions as the ceremony dates approached. Well, in Aya’s case the logic is a bit different – as we cleanse the body through the restrictive dieta, hidden or supressed emotions begin to show up, without our permission. But I have heard of similar examples of people deciding to skip out on their seats in Aya ceremonies because they felt ill, had panic attacks, ‘bad feeling’, palpitations, cold feet before D-day.

I was assigned a single occupancy room, in one corner of the residential facility. The room was as bare bones as it could be. It immediately made me uncomfortable – and I was thrilled. I was, after all, there to be way out of my comfort zone. I had reached the venue six-eight hours before I needed to be there, but I deposited my phone and other valuables into the locker assigned to me. I said a ‘disconcerting goodbye’ to technology and my tether to the outside world. I didn’t have a tech-watch on me. Just an old-timey alarm clock and a battery-torch in the name of tech. It was wonderfully weird – being so naked without our everyday tech. The mattress felt like it was made of very thick cardboard. I had carried my linen, for the sake of hygiene – I could do this for myself since I had driven myself and could carry a lot of luggage – this had also been a suggestion by the Vips venue person I spoke with a couple of days before landing up at the venue (I had called to enquire about available parking spaces for people who drive themselves there). The person suggested that since I was driving, I could carry my own linen and pillow etc if I so wished. I did.

I made my bed, on that cardboard mattress hehe.

I headed out for lunch, which I was invited to by the people at the reception. It was an exceptionally simple albeit tasty meal. I walked around a bit after the meal, then headed back to my room.

I lay down because there was nothing else to do, there was still a long time to go before the entire batch arrived and signed in and the evening ‘orientation’ gatherings began. I was also still feeling fatigue/ bodyache and a general weakness from the cold and cough – so before I knew it, I fell into a deep deep nap.

Wow.

That nap – what an experience it was! I am usually unable to sleep in new/ strange surroundings/ beds, but I did so within minutes. I woke up two hours or more later. I felt so well-rested. Wow!

Soon, evening arrived. I headed back to the reception, to be debriefed on the program rules and requirements. We had a long and dreary orientation. I felt hungry, but I knew no meal would be served that night. I was firmly out of my comfort zone.

Already I wanted to run away – saying to myself “Why do you keep doing these experiments Anjuri!!! WTF?!”. I was feeling doomed. How would I get through this!? It hadn’t even begun yet and I was already miserable and bored with that swarm of people speaking only pure bookish Hindi (over the years my primary language has become English – I think and dream in english I suppose).

Over the next few days I realised that there was a proper communication challenge for me in store for me – with the Hindi-only fluent assistant teacher. On the other hand, I had no desire to speak, which is what I realised as each day went by.

Yeah! Me, this person who talks quite a lot, has a lot of thoughts and jokes and banter to engage people and herself in, laughs and giggles like someone has paid her to do so – I did not want to speak, didn’t want to open my mouth to make a single sound!!!

It was a vacation for me in a way. No talking. Wow. Another strange discovery about my self, which I hadn’t ever imagined to be true.

Now I shall briefly write about the things I struggled with greatly and then the things that were a delight.

THE ENDLESS SITTING & POSTURE PAINS: It hurts baby. It hurts your self-esteem (lol) – not being able to sit upright without moving much for long hours – its such a simple instruction or requirement, yet it is fucking difficult it turns out. In fact, this had been one of my fears too before going in for the course. I have, since childhood, had difficulty sitting cross-legged for more than a minute – chief complaint being my legs that fall asleep, tingle violently – its a horrid sensation. I used to assume that there was something wrong with me regarding this simple thing most humans can do, young or old (unless they are overweight and have joint issues etc.)

But Ayahuasca had given me some training in sitting upright, in one place, for long hours (in my first Aya ceremony itself I could, unwittingly, sit upright most of the night!!!).

Also, my aerial yoga practice, however intermittent it had been up till Feb 2025, had made my core/ back stronger than before – So with quite a lot of struggle, I did manage it somehow.mFelt quite victorious about it.

Also, I must credit the Vipassana practice to making my back a thousand times stronger in just 11 days – seriously when I came back from the course and headed straight back into my yoga practice, my teacher commented on how much stronger my core had become. It was a bonus gift from those 11 days.

THE FOCUS REQUIRED – MY MIND BULLDOZING ME: My god, I felt like a complete nincompoop about not being able to focus at all! FUCKING HELL! I simply could not focus. I struggled with so much (yes I am going to admit this here) lust on my mind, with regards to a couple of men I had been talking to naughtily in the days preceding the retreat. Those were still the days when I was hungrily participating on dating apps wrt sexting, casual eroticism, flirtation etc. and those thoughts dominated my mind. I couldn’t get past fantasy after fantasy my mind conjured. I even had a full-fledged dramatic story-telling of a man from my long-gone past (an ex-boss & friend, with whom I had shared a complex yet delicious but also heartbreaking relationship which basically got smashed to pieces after a stupid erotic tryst for an afternoon), a complete re-telling/ re-imagining of that (sexy-palpitating-steamy) afternoon that we could have had instead of the heartbreaking mind-fucking one we had which eventually ruined our friendship forever.

THE MEDITATION TECHNIQUE ITSELF: Another big thing that has to be stated categorically about the retreat is the WAY in which one is told to meditate – the technique. And it was a huge departure for me and hence quite challenging in the first few days.

Without giving away much of the meat, because you should go and have your own unbiased experience of Vips when you can, I can say this here – The Vipassana meditation requires ‘being present’, ‘being real’, NO IMAGINATION.

Yes! You are required to refrain from Imagination of any kind. It is based on your bodily senses, your mind’s eye (sans imagination), your power of patience and ability to have faith in your body. For years, since I began on my spiritual exploration journey I have relied heavily on my imagination. Imagining a ball of light here, lotus petals opening up there, sending my energy down to the core of Mother Earth, and receiving her warmth back into my body via the chords of energy connecting us etc. So, naturally, for me, when it was made clear that I COULD NOT USE MY FERTILE IMAGINATION TO MEDITATE HERE, in fact that I had to strictly refrain from it, it felt like a bog roadblock behind my closed eyes – for the first few days.

But then I took it as a challenge and decided to try anyway. And I did succeed. I did succeed in putting my default imagination/ visions aside and just sitting quietly and SENSING what was going on in my body, piece by piece. Just Observing. Trusting that whatever the sensation was, would pass eventually – head to toe & back.

The main lesson of Vips is IMPERMANENCE – the one true law of Nature – that’s all they are trying to teach you. The arising and passing of everything. The body, the breath, this reality, a relationship, feelings, discomfort – everything simply arises and passes away. Its when we attach meaning/ story to any of the above and cling to it, we suffer.

That’s it. This sounds far-fetched and too ‘Buddha/ monk’-like to stomach in the beginning, when you are being told this – but then when you start experiencing it in your body – by day 5-8 – you start believing it too, based on your own experience of the meditations over the course of the retreat.

While sitting in isolation meditation on one of the last few days, by myself, on that cold marble floor in the pagoda, I had a vision – a design emerged in my mind’s eye – a tattoo, based on the law of impermanence – needless to say, I got the tattoo a few days after returning home (on my left forearm).

THE MAN’S FOGHORN CHANTING: God bless Mr Goenka, the founder of this meditation retreat practice, but by God the recordings of his voice being blasted on the speakers on campus nonstop, during meal time, during breaks – they genuinely were so damn annoying to me. I am a loud person myself (in general, e.g. my whispers aren’t really whispers lol) but I am quite sensitive to unpleasant loud noises/ sounds. I felt a lot of irritation towards the mantras and sermons his voice was giving on loudspeakers day in and day out. PISSED ME OFF! (lol)

THE LAST DAY – THE END OF NOBLE SILENCE: On the morning of the 10th day, after the first few hours of meditation and instruction, the admin allows students/ participants to get their phones back and break their noble silence (“as long as it doesn’t disturb others”) Jesus Fucking Christ, fellow women went absolutely batshit crazy with their talking! I, on the other hand, was so deeply peaceful in my silence that I simply did not care to open my mouth to say a single word AND that really felt challenging – because people WANTED ME TO. But when I am determined about something that makes sense to me, I am fucking determined all the way. I refused to fucking talk that whole day, lol – much to the annoyance to my fellow female students. They were almost kind of bullying me to say something and I just simply raised my hand and gestured “No bitch! I ain’t talking” hahahaahahaha. They were so annoyed.

But I CANNOT EXPLAIN HOW DEEPLY QUIET I FELT, SO HAPPILY, SUCH SOLITUDE, IN THAT DEEPLY SILENT PLACE WITHIN ME aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Who would’ve thought Anjuri Jain would like to stay quiet when it wasn’t being asked of her.

Another thing – I DID NOT WANT MY PHONE EITHER – another shocking thing for me to experience. I was/ still am addicted to my phone, but in those days even more so because I heavily flirting with a few men on Bumble & Hinge. Yet I simply did not want the possession of my phone if TILL I ABSOLUTELY NEEDED TO (when I had no choice but to collect my belongings from the Admin locker, upon leaving the retreat on the next day i.e. 11th day). So, I went to the Admin/ Reception area, stood in line, and momentarily broke my silence to humbly ask ” can I collect my phone later?”. The person in charge at the time looked up abruptly and appeared a bit confused for a few moments. Then he asked “Are you an old student of Vipassana?”, to which I replied quietly, “No, this is my first such retreat”. He said “Wow. I am amazed, no one comes to ask if they can refuse collecting their phone on the 10th day”. After this I stopped talking again, smiled, gestured “I’d come back later” (tonight or tomorrow morning just before I take my car out to drive back to Kanpur).

Walking back to the residential area was painful for me because people just wanted to BLOODY TALK! This was a great lesson for me – Mr Goenka, in his divine wisdom, had designed this in such a way that You can face your triggers of “the world is made up of idiots, and I am the only wise person” on campus itself before You actually head out into the real world where there are triggers far worse than the participants who are talking vigorously after 10 days of silence. Haha! Well played Sir!

I was triggered and How! I wanted to smack all of them when they sang into the night, till fucking 3.30am! I wished for a machine gun, to step out with from my room and shoot all those fuckers who were singing tone-deafly outside my room, around an innocent fire. This was also the same night that I got my period (earlier than expected – well played body, well played!) and I hadn’t carried any sanitary products with me (Yaaaay! #facepalm). Fucking hilarious. My period makes everything less tolerable for me, my inhibitions are lower (in terms of expressing my displeasure at bullshit that otherwise I may overlook etc.)

So, imagine Anjuri on that last night, not wanting to talk, lying on her cardboard bed, starting to free-bleed through her underwear, sans pad, wanting to commit mass genocide of the singing buffoons outside her window, waiting for sudden silent death lol.

Anyway, after the last meditation of of the day, before lights out, I had gone to the reception, following a hunch, to collect my phone. It was a bit embarrassing actually, because apparently everyone had already collected their belongings (I was the last one) and the reception area had been shut down – but the kind gentleman opened it for me and I could extract my car keys, wallet, phone. And FUCK ME, the minute I switched my phone on, life pressed its hands on my throat in a morbid way. My sister had texted that her dog Leo was really badly ill. She was waiting for me to come back home straight from the retreat, as she needed my help with the daily vet visits. Another series of texts from my Bombay bestie’s wife (also my beloved friend) telling me of His father’s sudden passing. Fuck me!

I wanted to throw my phone into the ocean (there was no water nearby sadly). I abused telecommunications, my phone, Leo for being so ill, and my friend’s father for dying suddenly! How dare they! WTF! Can’t Anjuri enjoy this achievement (which she never could’ve dreamt of even!) of somehow completing her first ever 11-day Vipassana course without people or animals trying to die!? WTF! The audacity!

So many triggers. That silence was so hard-won and the world was already infringing on it. FUCKKKKKK.

My father generally has shown no respect for my spiritual explorations (including ayahuasca, which he announced is a cult! #facepalm), and my mother has remained ambivalent about them – they both had texted me “when are you coming back? can you come back earlier?”. You see, they were leaving for a trip to the hills and my sister was alone handling Leo’s illness at the time. So, since my spiritual adventures are “stupid”, I should cut my retreat short and head back home – that sentiment made me quite angry at the time and I assumed that Leo will get better soon, as he usually did. (Leo passed away four days after I returned from the retreat FYI). So my reaction to switching my phone back on again after 10 days and nights was VISCERAL to say the least.

Goenka ji was absolutely right – the silence & peace are precious, impractical, will be tested almost immediately.

The things that were an absolute delight to me:

THE SILENCE: I have mentioned this above, in many ways. It felt velvetty, inviting, soothing, divine, necessary – to me. I cannot thank the Gods enough for giving me the opportunity & capability to go so quiet for an extended period of time. It was truly a privilege – to retract your voice from the world without hurting anyone because usually this act would be violent and mean to your loved ones – if you stopped communicating for your own peace. It was a gift, that I do not take lightly, and I will always remember and aspire to.

THE NO PHONE: Aaaaaaah, this was so deeply liberating, my goodness. For someone like me, who was addicted on the quick’n’dirty dopamine-hits of Bumble and Hinge chats, of my Instagram feed filled with dogs and cats and other adorable animals, not needing the black mirror was like being granted a new consciousness, a new way to exist. Wow. wow. seriously.

THE FOLLOWING OF INSTRUCTIONS: It was quite liberating to surrender myself to what was being asked of me. I complied almost fully to what Mr Goenka & the teachers required us to practice. This was refreshing for someone like me – a person who does not follow any rules or instructions that don’t make sense to me personally.

THE FOOD: I am a habitual+emotional overeater and an always-snacker, usually stuffing my face with tasty spicy salty things whenever I am bored or uninspired or lonely or aimless (most of the time, by the way #facepalm). I think about my meals all the time, what am I having next, what am I cooking/ ordering next for myself next etc. So for Me, such a food-fanatic, to surrender myself to the pre-decided bare-bones menu of “simple food”, the last of which is served at 6.30pm is quite the departure.

And the last thing that’s served is simply Laiyya/ murmura/ puffed rice – its not even a solid meal. So, just like I was afraid of the ‘diet’/ dieta aspect of the Ayahuasca prep, I was petrified of my capacity to adjust to the food at Vipassana. But I DID IT, PASSED WITH FLYING COLOURS! Seems like there’s nothing I CAN’T DO! Wooohooooo!

And I didn’t simply suffer through the food, I actually enjoyed it, relished it. Loved it even. I loved the seating system in the mess hall, not facing anyone, sitting facing walls or windows. I would typically be a hermit, sitting by myself, eating my food, watching the birds and peacocks outside. Aaaah, the weather was so cold within and without. It was so utterly crazy beautiful and bare bones – the whole experience. I am so grateful that I put myself through it. Felt brilliant, even though each day was a struggle too.

THE SERMONS AT NIGHT (ENG): Each day, I used to look forward to the evening/ night videos of Dr Goenka’s sermons. Primarily because there was an option to view them in English (I am more comfortable with English than with textbook Hindi). It was very obvious – the difference in delivery too – Mr Goenka would sound witty, calm, cute while speaking in English, whereas he would sound fanatic, politician-like while sermonising in Hindi. He was more humorous while talking in English, while more serious and boring (to me) almost like an old angry uncle lecturing youngsters at a party.

I preferred the English recordings (these are old recordings from when he was addressing mostly westerners apparently).

These sermons lasted an hour or slightly more and felt like a balm to my ears and heart. Loved them!

Just like each of these heavy-duty spiritual undertakings (both Ayahuasca retreats in 2020 & 2023) usually test me right afterwards, I was tested this time too. As I mentioned above, my sister’s dog Leo became very ill suddenly, in my absence. To get home fast I drove maniacally the next day (when the retreat let out after the morning meditation and goodbyes on the 11th day) to get to Leo and my sister.

Unlike what I had imagined, Leo was genuinely very sick. I felt worried but decided to come home and eat Maggi and chill with my mother’s dog Koko, waiting for Leo to get better. Each day for the next 3 days, I sent my sister & Leo with a helper to the vet’s clinic for his daily IV drips (almost 3-4 hours each day) but I didn’t go. I was practicing detachment and the general sense of being aware, but not jumping into every situation where anyway I wouldn’t have much control.

His condition sometimes looked better, sometimes abruptly worse. Given his track record, he used to get very sick and then also bounce back eventually after the correct treatment. So, in my naivete, I was expecting the same to happen again. I was letting my sister handle it, without taking charge, whilst integrating my learning from the Vips retreat.

Following a hunch though, on the third day after my return, I said I wanted to go to the clinic and help handle the gentle giant Leo. He struggled and cried throughout his IV drip (a diffusion drip based on his requirements) and I had to hold him in place for 3-4 hours standing next to him. I scolded him a few times too when he cried too loudly.

Long story short, it turns out He was crying because his body was done, and he was in such immense pain that it was all torture for him. When we noticed that He could no longer control his hind legs, after we cried, I started counselling my sister about letting him go, putting him out of his misery. She wasn’t ready. Understandably. She was willing to keep him alive even if he became paralysed. I counselled against that. I stayed calm, even though it was such a horrid time and a part of me was Dying with Leo.

The blood test reports we received that night confirmed that Leo’s organs had begun shutting down. Acute Liver failure being the main thing.

That night I convinced my sister and Leo’s long time medical helper Ravi Bhaiyya to help us put Leo to sleep. Leo was pleading with us to end his misery. He kept crying loudly. Every breath was a painful cry. I can’t recall these moments without shuddering in horror and guilt and sadness and anger towards the world/ Gods.

The next morning we assisted Leo in his death, in the spot that he slept usually. We let him Go. We cried so much, we couldn’t believe it. We couldn’t believe that Leo was begging to leave us at merely 7 years of age. He took pieces of Us with Him.

I truly believe that Vipassana helped me in my experience of Leo’s death. More importantly it helped me help my Sister, Leo’s mother, in that ridiculously heartbreaking time.

Sigh.