My BumbleBees (2)

A continuation of my learning experiences with dating apps and men:

AYUB, 29, curious boy who eagerly listened to my answers to every question he asked me, a devotee of this goddess (me), over-eager to meat (not a typo):

When I first came across Ayub’s profile on Bumble, I giggled at his bio. These were very early days for me on these apps, so I wasn’t aware of the cliches and tropes yet. If memory serves me right, the line “yelling out ‘I love you’ at strangers/ passersby from my car window isn’t working, so here I am on Bumble“. That made me laugh.

Much later, I learnt by observation that this was a googled line that a lot of unoriginal wordless people use in their bios. Not to say that Ayub was bereft of a personality or intelligence. In fact, he turned out to be quite charming, emotionally intelligent & engaging from the get go. Lovely dude.

To begin with, the age gap between us gave me some pause, but after briefly staring at the profile, following my hunch, I swiped back on him and so began our conversation. Talking to Ayub has been one of the highlights of my dating app career to date.

Right off the bat, he began asking me pointed yet polite questions about me, about stuff I had mentioned in my bio, about marriage, divorce, sex, love, romance, etc.

In my patented style, I outlined clearly/ reiterated at the start itself that I wasn’t looking to meet anyone in person. Anyway, we were not in the same city. He was in fact a resident of a city adjacent to mine, but still about 100km away. He said he might get frustrated and want to meet from time to time, but he still wanted to get to know me etc. So we kept talking.

He asked me so many run-off-the-mill and also unexpected questions, the answers to which he patiently read or listened to. He seemed so interested in my life experience, my points of view, my opinions – he wanted to know everything this 40 year old lusty women thought of. It was adorable – I was getting the attention I so enjoy, a spotlight and a doting audience of one. Haha.

Besides getting my fill of male attention and intrigue, I genuinely enjoyed Ayub as a human being. He was sweet, earnest, honest and interested. We began talking on the phone quite a bit too. We sexted too. It was fun. He definitely had a thing for older women, in this case moi.

And as predicted by both of us, he complained quite intensely from time to time about not getting to meet/ meat me, but I reminded him that he could disconnect/ walk away at any time if he so wished, if it bothered him so much. But he stayed adamantly in my phone and mind, everyday for many days, until one day he said he couldn’t go on any further unless we meet soon. I replied with the language-equivalent of the ‘shrug emoji‘ because I had always been transparent about our chances of meeting being close to none, from the very start. It was sad to let this connection go, but I enjoyed this person and his curiosity about me dearly, and just the sweet person that he turned out to be.

One funny thing about our engagement was this – one day he asked me “don’t you think you are addicted to sexting?“. I wonder what he imagined about me when he asked me this, but nevertheless I replied patiently and as non-defensively as possible. I explained how I had stayed away from men for almost six years since the breakdown of my marriage. I recounted the fact that I had been in a passionless, sexless, unhappy yet monogamous marriage for a long while. I recounted my unique orgasm mechanism and how I had been self-sufficient for years in terms of sexual pleasure, about how intercourse had never really lived up to any expectations I may have held in my body or heart. I explained how this is a sudden awakening I was experiencing, how curious & interested I was feeling about men almost overnight. How I was unashamed about what I wanted, how much of it I wanted, of setting my own rules about my desires and being absolutely transparent with every person I engaged with about the same.

In short, to end the discussion, my answer to his question was – ‘No, Ayub, I don’t think I am addicted, I am simply doing what I want to do, with consent of the other person on the line (in this case you) – please feel free to bow out, but don’t waste your energy judging me. Its not that I am addicted or ‘too much’ into sexting, I believe it is You who can’t handle my appetite for my own pleasure.”

I always get pleasantly startled when this happens – when, in answering someone’s question about yourself, you hear what you haven’t yet articulated to yourself. All in all, Ayub brought me such joy, friendship, adoration, conversation and curiosity. I absolutely adored the dude. I wish him only the best.

I want to mention here that after hearing my answer about my supposed ‘addiction’ to sexting, Ayub didn’t get defensive either. he simply accepted what I had said. We moved on from the topic quite gracefully.

After a period of ‘no contact‘ for some time (following a particularly annoying tantrum he threw about not getting to meet me), we started talking again. Meanwhile I turned 40 in August. He then started behaving as if he was a boyfriend of mine, getting quite clingy on text, always wanting to know my whereabouts, needing more and more of my time and once again complaining about us not meeting. One particular morning, he made an off-colour and creepy joke about kidnapping me while I was out walking my dog. I am a great sport usually, but somehow this didn’t make me laugh at all. I was annoyed and a bit creeped out.

This time I had to let him go (even though I didn’t really like doing so). I missed him, his texts, our phone calls for a while. But life moved on, as it always does.

My divorce has taught me that I can learn to live without anyone, everything passes, people come, they serve their purpose in your story and they transition. And no matter what transpires, I shall be fine and even thrive (eventually). And what a relief that is!

So, Ayub, this wonderful boy, came and went, leaving a mark on my heart and mind for all of time (I suppose) and I am richer for having known him, and having so much of his kind attention while I did.

I still, sometimes, so many goddamn months later, think of him and miss him. Really.

SHASHANK, ‘doggie’, 26, the sweetest bull in a china shop, the one who licked my thigh after an hour of meeting me, an actual ‘devotee‘ of this goddess:

I know, I know. His age. Haha.

Well, a couple of days after meeting Sarthak and discovering that he was a complete mirage and I had just wasted so much of my time, energy, passion, imagination on a ‘faux sexy’ dude, I was embarrassed, defeated, cautious and more determined than ever before to not repeat this mistake. By which I mean that I decided to quicken the process of meeting someone in person (if an opportunity ever presents itself, considering I reside in a small city with an unsuitable & skewed demographic for dating me – 40+ single eligible attractive men) rather than endlessly building a virtual fantasy. I decided that while I was in Kanpur (hometown), I shall try to meet someone, if I like them on text, within a week’s time of first introductions.

Enter Shashank (name has been altered).

I matched with him on Hinge. And very quickly I realised that he lived very very nearby to me. This raised alarm bells for me. At the time I thought, I do not want to be living close by to a dating app person, what if they stalk me, what if they spot me on the road walking my dog. Et Cetera.

I do not trust the caliber or capabilities of men living in my hometown. I have no real idea of the demographic as it stands currently (not having lived here for 18 years), but my impression/ skepticism towards men in my hometown stems from my childhood days. Creeps abound. Caveman harasser dudes. Terrifying, creepy, ewwww.

After chatting with him for a couple of days, S began stating his ardent desire to engage me sexually. He was emphatic in his desire. I wasn’t attracted to the package on the whole – much younger person, living locally, that too so close to my residence, flattery bordering on brown-nosing etc.

One night we were texting, and it turned to sexting, and we got on a call, and he began talking dirty to me – in Hindi (our local/ regional language – it used to be a primary language for me when I was growing up, but has been replaced with English over the years) – and much to my absolute shock I liked it. It was turning me on so much. I was amazed. Taken aback. This was absolutely gobsmacking.

I was getting turned on by phone sex in Hindi, a language as crass as it can get. Wow.

That same night I decided that He & I should meet and rip the bandaid to see whether I am actually attracted to him, in person.

Next evening he picked me up and we went for a drive. I could see that he was eager to touch me, but was holding back. I was glad for the self-control. I needed that space to ascertain whether I wanted him too.

Fot the first half an hour or so I massively regretted my decision to meet this young chap. I was stuck in his car, had to be polite, because he was being perfectly nice and friendly. But I didn’t feel the vibe with him. I was struggling. I wanted to get out and leave.

We shared a j he had rolled earlier, which by the way I couldn’t help but notice – the patience and delicateness with which he had done so – I observe the small things and they get me hooked on to a person – they become a part of what I attracts me to someone (not just sexually, but as a fellow human). For instance, I notice how someone talks, how their mouth moves, how their fingers move around objects, how they gesture, how they speak to waiting staff, how they smile, how they eat, how they laugh, their eyes, the smiles or expressions that leak through a person’s carefully put-together facade. I notice a lot of things, as I am sure most of us do – and in my case these little small things make up a person and their appeal to/ for me.

So, while S was rolling the j, I was watching his fingers. It was a beautiful dance. It was calming to watch his fingers softly slowly crush and sift through the leaf. I liked it. It put me at ease a bit. I shared the j with him while he drove. I relaxed a bit more and narrated a hilarious story from my life (related to my first ever smoking experience). We laughed together. I felt better.

After some time, I could sense the desperation in the car. He wanted to lay his hands on me. Long story short, he parked the car somewhere dimly lit and in one swift motion, simply bent down, moved the fabric of my ‘above the knee’ casual cotton dress aside and licked my thigh! Yes, he did. He licked my thigh! Ha!

I watched it happen in slow motion. Haha!

I was amused, didn’t feel threatened or uncomfortable. I was amazed by how calm I was. I could see him clearly. I could see that he was feeling a sort of ‘sexiness aggression‘ towards me much like the ‘cute aggression‘ we feel when we see cute animals or our pets in particular – we just want to pounce on them and love on them! That’s exactly what I surmised he felt for me in that instance. He wanted to jump on me, squeeze me, pounce on me, bite me etc. Haha.

He did. He kissed me with passion. I kissed him back. It was good. We definitely shared chemistry. I wasn’t very turned on till I asked him to kiss my neck and he did. After a few moments, I declared that since I wasn’t a teenager, I wasn’t about to make out in a parked car. We must carry on somewhere else more private & safe.

We decided to meet at his place the next morning to take it all the way. I was curious. Also, the hungry way in which he looked at me, and the way he spoke to me, openly calling himself my ‘doggie‘ (he used the ‘tongue out’ emoji a lot while texting indicating that he drools over thoughts of me) and ‘devotee‘, calling my body his ‘temple’ etc. – all of this made me very curious. Who wouldn’t want to be worshipped by a more-than-eager human? I did.

I met him the next morning at his place. While it was still dark. I will try and keep this short – Boy meets girl he’s attracted to. Boy takes her upstairs to his place. Boy can’t contain his enthusiasm, boy disregards most of the girl’s directions and guidance about going slow, taking time, being ‘soft’, ‘gentle’, and just pounces on her (not in a violent way, but yeah…). Boy has too much physical strength, which boy hasn’t learnt how to calibrate – girl can’t pee without hurting for the next 24 hours. Girl vows never to see Boy again.

When the sun came up, I left his place. He kept asking me to be in his bed over and over, over the next few days. I refused. I never saw him again. Here is how I learnt another big lesson.

I learnt how to ‘not lead someone on’, how to ‘reject’ someone with honesty and integrity, how to stay truthful yet kind, not make up excuses and stick to what I feel, back myself up. I learnt that my desire and needs are far above and beyond some feel-good flattery. I learnt that good intentions don’t mean much without parallel action. I learnt that I do not wish to ‘teach’ a grown man the basics of how to treat a woman’s body. Not my job.

I am extremely grateful to say that S turned out to be more of a man than any other man I have come across yet. He took my rejection without an man-ego-explosion. I was honest with him – very open in telling him why I wouldn’t want to be with him physically again – I told him about his out-of-control strength and how he has to contain it, about patience, about tact, about gentleness, about the need for ‘much much more foreplay’, about many other things that I thought he should know, for the sake of his future bedmates.

I am not sure whether I would have offered up a detailed feedback to him unless he had asked me for it. He asked me to tell him what went wrong. I told him “I was telling you ‘during’ our time together“, but trying to do it in a way that didn’t kill the mood altogether – that’s not easy at all by the way!

Try saying ‘no‘ or ‘not like that‘ or ‘softer softer‘ more than a couple of times, to seemingly deaf ears, and try not to feel like a strict teacher or mother to a stubborn child. It’s not sexy at all.

Anyway, I am proud of him. He took it in his stride. He apologised profusely (“I couldn’t control my desire for you, have you seen you?” etc. – turns out I am really his ‘type’ – older, chubby, cute-hot, soft-skinned, thick-thighed goddess woman) and asked me to give him another chance in bed. But I didn’t want to. Honestly I wasn’t attracted to him at all after that first time.

It has been almost a year since I came to know him first, via Hinge. I never met him again after that morning when he manhandled me (breasts aren’t stressballs!!) , nor do I intend to, but he has maintained his ‘devotion’ to me nonstop. Every now and then he sends me ‘loving’ texts expressing how much he misses me, calls me ‘goddess’, says stuff like ‘please give me a taste again‘ etc.

I am amazed at him, really.

PBK, aka The Sailor, 35, a cuddly gentle giant, easy-to-love, calls me “an enchantress”, a few big red flags, gave me a heart-scare, showed me my triggers:

PBK – interestingly enough, his profile featured on both my Bumble as well as Hinge “people who liked you” pages. I had looked past it on Bumble, for some reason. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was because if his height – well over 6 feet – I am a mere 5 feet package. I guess my assumption was the height difference is too much to overcome, a total anatomical mismatch (shrug emoji).

But then I saw Him on Hinge as well (I had wandered onto the Hinge app about a month after opening my account there – I remember the date as well – it was 2 days after I had turned 40).

I saw PBK had “liked” my answer under ‘Green flags I look for” (I had written “good humour, affection, kindness, flirtatious yet sweet“), unlike liking pictures of me (which other men typically did).

I liked the simplicity of his profile. There He was – this really tall dude, a towering Sailor, smiling back at me from assorted pictures. He looked cute, handsome, with that lovely-naughty smile of his. More importantly, he had a “be respectful to me, and I shall respect you, don’t judge me, and I won’t judge you” kind of vibe in his bio.

I swiped on him on Hinge that night, and within the hour we began chatting. It was already late at night, and I was sleepy. We texted a little bit and then he proposed we resume the next day. We soon exchanged numbers. It really did seem like he was open to talk about most topics, that he really wouldn’t judge me for whatever I said/ shared as long as I was respectful and kind.

From what I recall, at that time I was so engrossed in my Sarthak fantasy, illusion-weaving and pedestal-ising, that I had no bandwidth to focus on any other man romantically. Having said that, PBK kept in touch with me almost every day. He would send me a good morning message every day! Every day! And I would reply of course. He would always ask me “what adventures today?“, “How is Koko (my little doggie) doing?“, “Is his walk done?“, “Is he troubling you with his laziness?” etc. Every day!

And most days he would say “good night” too. He shared with me what he was doing. I remember that early on in our conversation he was travelling within Goa, and he would tell me what his plan for the day was. We exchanged a couple of voice notes early on and I liked how he sounded (this is a big part of attraction for me – I get hooked by voice, diction, tone, tenor, laugh, I love hearing people smile etc.)

He was still on land, enjoying his break from his job at sea, when we had started talking. I recall that for the first couple of weeks we didn’t really talk about anything in particular – we just kept it to small talk and I wasn’t really interested in much more because I was obsessed with a fantasy (Sarthak) at the time. But whatever we did talk about made it clear that PBK was a sex-positive, body-positive dude. He wanted to explore and experiment in life, with as many partners as possible, in a healthy way. And he was generally encouraging me to do the same.

One thing that we did discover about each other was that we are both huggers and big lovers of affection, cuddling, snuggling (romantic or not). I remember him saying that he hasn’t come across any women who want to do that (cuddle) in addition to having sex – that women are not open to that aspect of intimacy when they are specifically looking for just casual sex to simply satiate a physical need – and this wasn’t just PBK’s experience – another sexually active Bumble-boy corroborated this a couple of months later. Apparently there is a fear of cuddling out there – amongst both men and women. They either find it unnecessary/ waste of time (those who just want to hook up) or they find it ‘too intimate’ for comfort.

During this time when we were casually chatting about nothing, I went and met Sarthak and learnt my big ‘dating-app lesson’ (re: meet someone early on, if possible, to determine whether to invest in them further or not based on chemistry and liking + to root out mirages/ illusions/ facades etc.). And this led me to decide to meet PBK since he was soon visiting my hometown for a few days.

Yes! I mean who visits Kanpur!? But there is a context here – when I swiped back on him I had no idea from his profile that he had parents living in Kanpur, like me; and that he too had a home for himself in Bombay, just like me!!! WTF. These coincidences blew my mind a bit.

So, yeah he was soon visiting my city. By that time I had become rather curious about him and truly wished to see him too. He had openly expressed his desire to simply go for a drive with me, any time of day, very early on. So we did.

We went for a long drive that first evening. We were together for 3 hours! We talked a bunch, we shared an ice-cream, we discovered that we share an undeniable chemistry. His super-warm touch on my skin felt both comforting & tittilating. He held one of my hands throughout, while he drove, and also kissed the back of my hand a few times – I was taken aback and blushed openly. I was delighted by this gentleman, who was obviously quite playful, naughty, sincere & very ‘into me‘. What a heady mix of traits.

We hadn’t gotten enough of each other, so we met the next day for an early morning drive. The weather was divine suddenly in the midst of otherwise shitty humid heat (it had been positively gorgeous the evening we met and continued to be the same the next morning as well) – we had driven with the windows down most of the previous evening and the next morning, no air-conditioning needed. It felt like the sailor had brought with him, a cooling soothing yet thrilling balm for my aching, parched, yearning body and soul. No exaggeration.

Trust me when I say this – it all felt divinely orchestrated – meeting him with that breeze and drizzle serenading us. That morning it was drizzling a bit, we got out of my car, walked around in the rain hand in hand (my tiny plump palm in his big rough hand), talked a bit, kissed a bit, discovered a definitive magnetism between us. In his words, and I agree, “it felt so peaceful”, “so calming”. We were lost in the moment. We were lost in each other.

We met again for an hour or so two mornings later simply because I texted him “Hey, we didn’t hug!” (since we are both hugggers). He asked in reply, “what are you doing tomorrow morning?” as an invitation to meet just to HUG. It was all very sweet, sudden and surprising to me.

The most special thing about PBK was the way he looked at me when we were together. He LOOKED at me, taking me in, like capturing me in his eye-cameras. He looked at me like I was precious cargo or something. Honestly, I could get addicted to that gaze – it made me red in the cheeks and turned my skin warm.

At the end of our first meeting, he suddenly called me an ‘addictive enchantress‘. He wanted to sit with me in silence, as well as listen to me answer his question(s). He held on to my hand, and kept remarking (as if he was very surprised) ‘your hands are so soft, so pink“. My hands are indeed tiny, plump and cushiony. In contrast, his sailor’s hands are large and rough (I like them very much).

I was very much into Him & Us as well. I was a bit hypnotised and distracted by his way of watching me, the tenderness as well as raw desire with which he touched me, kissed me, held on to me. To be honest, since this ‘being looked at’ and ‘being touched’ or just generally being ‘consumed by a man’ thing is fairly new to me since being divorced, I was mostly just watching Him receive Me. I was just literally watching him touch me, look at me – I was sort of spellbound and surprised by his reception of me – so delicate, so gentle, so passionate, so intoxicated, so focused. It was incredible to behold. Much like with Shashank, but in a different way. Whilst Shashank had gazed at me with simply naked lust, PBK looked at me with a mesmerised devotion with a hint of ‘I urgently want my hands on you lady’.

I cannot overstate this enough – I had not, in the least, expected to be looked at in this way. With such desire, such devotion, such passion. Honest to God. It flummoxed me, but also gave me a lot of solace and confidence. Ego massage baby! (a big ‘Thank You’ to PBK)

It was all a heady rush. And unexpected. For me. I can’t speak for him, but I was amazed by the whole thing. In all my gushing honesty, after meeting him the first night, I had told him that, going forward, any man I meet would be compared to him for he had set the bar, the baseline. I liked him. He was a happy-go-lucky gentleman, classy yet so naughty. Rough yet gentle. Younger yet not immature.

After we met that third time, he travelled back to his home-base, preparing to leave for his next job at sea shortly. In those three weeks, we became rather affectionate with each other, we would start and end our days with each other, we would send each other voice notes regularly. We began calling each other “baby”, we were rather lovey-dovey. It all made me very nervous. Its not like I was falling in love with him, but it was something (meaning my fortress walls were thinning, I was letting someone in, I was beginning to allow myself to be seen, allowing myself to soften and open and be vulnerable! Jesus Christ!).

It was something indeed – it was my openness to try and explore the vibe with someone new (based on just 3 meetings), to wait for him to return to land to meet him and ‘be’ with him, to tune everyone else out (it happened naturally to me – for about a month, I stopped most other dating app conversations, no suggestive chatting with any other men, no cruising the dating apps for new connections – I even told Gaurav & Karsh about PBK and how I was a little bit too involved in whatever this was between us!)

It reminded me how much I actually wanted to be in a relationship with someone I like (having witnessed that they liked me too), but also how unprepared I still was, how unwilling and petrified I still was, how triggered I was by the idea of romantic love based on memories of my failed marriage.

Thought-patterns, self-doubt, insecurities, overthinking, neediness, loneliness – from the past – began to rear their troubling heads. Not to mention the insane distance between us (to be measured in knots, seemed like light years though) – it was frustrating to say the least – he would be at sea for over 4 months. And even after that I didn’t truly know when and how we would be able to enjoy some privacy and actually get to explore this thing and process it out of our systems (if that’s how it has to be eventually).

Why did we have to meet!? I kept wondering. I asked Mumma Aya for the answer – I thought it was unfair for me to have met someone I potentially liked, to then not be given any time, space, proximity to explore things with them. All we kept saying to each other day in and day out was “I miss you”. Uff.

He was being so loving, so affectionate, so intimate, saying things he had no business saying (“I want to experience ‘companionship’ with you, I want to take a trip together, I want to cuddle, snuggle, spend time talking, just being with you, I want to be lost within You, You can safely be your authentic soft feminine self with me, I will witness that for you” etc.) considering he had no intentions on following through on any of it (deep lack of self-awareness) – something I learnt only when I decided to break things off between us (Thank Goddess!) due to the burdensome and insurmountable distance between us (I said I deserved better, especially in this phase of my life when I was newly daring to seek connection after such a long period of self-imposed exile).

That is when the mist seemed to clear for Me, about Him – He revealed that he had zero interest in any ‘involvement’ at this moment in time, that he had only been flirting with me, nothing more (!!!). That he liked me, but that’s all. He liked me because I am “a nice person”. That’s all. He said he was only being friendly, flirty and polite.

This was a jolt to my delicate ‘newbie’ system. I sobbed like a baby (I also cried big tears while writing this piece) – I cried upon realising that I am vulnerable, desperate for connection, lonely, naive, possibly not made for this dating app world. I doubted my emotional intelligence, I thought that I had read into something that hadn’t existed, that I had once again made a mountain out of a molehill. I took the blame for this heart-bruise. I retreated into a shell, back into my high-walled fortress post this conversation.

But, after the self-doubt storm calmed down in my head, I began to see that it was Him who had not put much thought and self-awareness into what he was communicating to me consistently – I had been very clear in terms of what I wanted from a connection, I stated my needs and desires clearly at every step and took things at face value because I am an honest person who says only what She means.

When I am confused I say so, when I am clear about a desire or feeling, I express it clearly. I don’t “f*ck” around with communication anymore! Yay! I was bad at communication while I was married. I am glad/ grateful/ proud to see & recognise this change in myself now. So yaaaay – silver lining!

My beloved PBK taught me a tough confounding lesson – even the sweetest person may totally lack self-awareness and say things without meaning them. How unsettling is that!?!?!?!?!

I mean, how does one discern who is being authentic and who isn’t? Who to believe, how to trust, how to approach such situations!?!? – FUCK!

This experience scared me a lot. I went off the dating apps for almost 1.5 months during and after this.

After about 20 days of no-contact with him, I said Hello. And it was as if He was waiting to talk again, quite enthusiastically. During this break I cried, talked to Myself, talked to Gaurav (he was irritated with the sailor, by my ‘unrequited love’ for him and asked me to move on from PBK ASAP – after all Gaurav only wanted me to unleash my lust on the world, not to go around investing my heart into people!), understood myself better, made peace with what had transpired, decided to accept PBK for who he was, realised that I was still deeply curious about the physical magnetism between us. But that’s that.

After a couple more months of him being at sea, it so happened that we could meet in Bombay. He came over to my place, and the rest is magical history. We are lovers, until further notice. To put it mildly, his touch makes me moan, even his breath near my skin makes me shiver, we are magnets for each other.

It is so interesting to me that in this new avatar (Anjuri circa 2024), there had been this persistent phrase in my head and body “I want a big strong man, a man I can climb“. I don’t know where this came from, honestly because In my career as a woman before this, I had typically run in the opposite direction from the Viking-like, hulky, big broad muscular, obviously strong men. I put it down to the fact that I myself was so masculine in my outer behaviours (corporate life tends to make women negatively masculine in order to be seen, heard, taken seriously – esp tiny women like myself) that I didn’t feel attracted to ‘big strong men’ coz I myself had ‘big dick’ energy lol.

Gym-crafted muscular bodies never attracted my attention anyway. To me gentleness was the biggest strength a man could demonstrate. And I still stand by this. My father is a very gentle, patient, kind, & generous human, and my relationship with him has been mostly healthy – hence, I look for & value similar qualities in men I might consider as potential partners.

So, anyway this inner wish for a ‘big strong man’ came so effortlessly true with PBK – He is big (I have to climb my sofa to hug him), he is naturally strong, oh my god to be lying cocooned in those strong arms is a gorgeous feeling.

By now we have spent around 5 days together, intermittently while he was on leave from his shippie job, and my god, and its been mostly fantastic. He endlessly wants to make me moan, with hours of foreplay, which is so effortless for him. So much cuddling my god, beautiful! He doesn’t care about his own pleasure – says “as long as you are moaning, I am very happy”. I have to pull myself together after hours of being pleasured, to focus and pay attention to him and love on him. And when I do, he enjoys it so much, I love it.

Another thing I have to state here is how comfortable I feel with him. Clothes simply fall from my person in such smooth a manner, my god. I say this here because as a round/ chubby/ plus size queen, nudity is not baggage-free for me. But with PBK, it is so bloody easy. My god.

He tells me I am ‘so hot’, when I am in his arms, vulnerable, without any armour, nowhere to hide. He is a healer for me. I actually relax under his touch and gaze. He is wonderful. So cute, so fun, so funny.

Another thing I have to state here is that I have always thought myself to be quite vanilla when it comes to sex, but PBK changed that as well. His inherent gentleness, generosity in bed leads me to be increasingly raunchy/ naughty/ slutty with him, for him. I have and still am learning so much about life and myself through this connection. Through this man and his touch. I am humbled and amazed, grateful. I have said as much to him. He knows what he has done for me.

PBK has taught me many things, just by being himself. I am glad that we had that unpleasant miscommunication between us a the start, because we aren’t meant to be in a relationship, we are simply two magnets meant to enjoy each other, while we can. Our chemistry is absolutely gorgeous. He has taught me how to be in the moment. Truly has. I don’t think much at all (otherwise an overthinker) when we are in each other’s embrace. I just enjoy him, his presence, his silliness, playfulness, and his persistent desire for me and fixation on my pleasure. Uff.

What a dude! I totally deserve him. My big strong man 🙂

I intend for us both to be lovers, till one of us falls in love with someone else. Or till however long life would allow us to be. Coz usually, life has her own plans.

God bless PBK (we both thank Hinge for connecting us to each other) and his ilk.

ANGAD, 35, a pansexual gift to the world, beyond kinky for my taste but adorably sweet:

One evening, a cute looking fella featured on my ‘people who liked you’ page. Angad. His profile was straightforward and sexually-oriented. He was younger than I, but I had gotten used to that by now (apparently there are hardly suitable any men above 40 on Bumble or Hinge).

Angad and I began chatting after I swiped back on him, again following that precious hunch of mine. As usual I insisted that I am vanilla. He said he was categorically NOT. Haha.

I think we lost touch the very next day, but he reached out to me after a few days again. It was early morning (7 am) and I was surprised that a party man is awake at this golden hour. He replied, rather candidly, “I have just come home“. I asked, “Party night?“, to which he replied, “I had my first date with this new couple last night, and we had a roaring night together“. Pansexual indeed.

In my mind I went, “HUHHHHH!!??!?!!?” – he was definitely going to be a teacher to me. And he was/ has been. He has expanded my mind and awareness on sexuality and sexual preferences.

We started the usual way – sexting, sharing one-time-view-pictures with each other. But then surprisingly, he began feeling like a friend to me, even though he wanted to copulate with me in creatively kinky ways (which he kept elaborating on). He would candidly share things he had been up to (sexually) the previous night or weekend – with me, without hesitation and I would patiently read his account. This dating app journey, at multiple occasions felt like anthropological study/ research of sorts.

Angad shared countless pictures and videos with me – he used to film himself having sex with most of his willing partners. Man or Woman. Binary or non-binary. His sexual preferences and tastes truly made me uncomfortable (way outside my comfort zone) – but I do not shy away from that – I know there is always something to learn from everything/ everyone.

He kept sharing details, media and fantasies with me – and kept intermittently asking me, “you must think this guy is too much!?“, I kept insisting, “of course not!“.

There was one particularly adorable exchange we had, where he shared with me his fantasy-soon-coming-to-life wherein he would soon be meeting and f*cking an African dude. That African dude was married, his wife was back in Africa. He was here in India for work and wanted to explore and experiment.

He wanted Angad to wear lingerie, preferably red, when they would meet.

Angad was to be the bottom. He was mighty excited.

The adorable part of this situation was this – Angad sought my help to buy this lingerie, to figure out what size he would be ordering. I assisted him the best I could – never having bought sexy lacey sex-lingerie for myself even! Haha.

So sweet it was.

Again, I felt like Angad was eagerly waiting to share himself fully and truly with a non-judgmental stranger – enter Me!

Angad and I found a piece that he liked, online. He ordered it, received it and tried it on – sent me pictures. Then he sent me videos of having sex with the African gentleman. What an education! People are amazing and they/ we all just want to express ourselves as openly and fearlessly as we can, to the right sort of people. Exhibitionism isn’t aimed at the world at large, but to a few select compadres, those who will look at us without the lens of ‘normal’ or ‘society’. Those who see us for who we are wanting to be in that moment, without holding us to their standards and rules.

People just want to be accepted, even if they aren’t understood. Of course, being understood is the ultimate gold. But even a quiet acceptance is priceless.

Over time, Angad and I have lost touch, but I am always here if he ever wants to share himself. I shall always think of him fondly.

RAHUL, 35, deeply engrossed in incest (for real), wanted me as part of the threesome with his incest-partner:

After I couldn’t score a Coldplay concert ticket for myself, I half-seriously made that a part of my Bumble bio (“Anyone have an extra Coldplay Mumbai ticket for me?“), and literally 4 hours after making that change to my bio I received a message on my Profile from Rahul, whose profile mentioned that he had an extra ticket for a potential date!!! He had messaged me this bizarre thing though – “Hi! My mother swiped on You“. This was truly weird (no!?), I didn’t know whether this was a joke or not.

I swiped back and cheekily asked “Your Mother swiped on Me for You or for Herself?” (I was aware that this could come off as offensive, but on Bumble you can’t unsend messages – the potential damage had been done.

Far from it – Rahul was not offended in the least. He swiftly replied, “She swiped on you for Me, she wants me to date someone mature & smart…” (weird again!)

I was about to respectfully unmatch and move on, but Rahul sent me consecutive texts revealing to me his complex life story – apparently, he & his Mother are lovers, they hate the Father and f*ck as revenge on Him. They (Rahul & his lover-mum) are looking for a person to be in a threesome with them (“so we should meet, the three of us to see whether we all vibe together, and if You’re not into that, just You & I can date and f*ck“).

He, without skipping a beat, began sharing many details about their love-making with me, most of it made me uncomfortable, but it was clear that Rahul just wanted to share this big secret with someone, anyone who would listen without judgment (I am just the person for that!), rather urgently.

It may have been weighing on him, this big secret. And mind you, it was a joyous secret for him and Her. He wasn’t ashamed of this aspect of his life, not at all, he loves his mother in every way possible (quite literally), and apparently so does She, love him. She apparently initiated their sexual relationship. I am not claiming that I had zero judgment or discomfort in my mind for them, but I just let him share as much as he wanted to.

I can definitely say that I felt mountains of empathy for them both. It must be so tough to be in this blissful situation that you must hide from everyone you know. There is no one around (even online) who would spare you any judgment once this surfaced. Imagine you are dying to share this huge thing about yourself and your heart, or to just live your life as two lovers – but you just can’t. You can’t play this out to its natural end. Maybe its a fetish, maybe its true love, maybe its a phase in your life borne out of share familial trauma – but you can’t see it to its natural end or journey in a dignified manner. Must be insanely stifling. Wow. This aspect of it really blew my mind. I felt rather emotional – so many thoughts crowded my mind while Rahul continued to share more and more detail. He was just catharting (to a non-judgmental polite stranger) I think.

And yes, I let him have that. My hunch told me I should.

I definitely wasn’t expecting anything like this to be a part of my dating app experience, but it did. And I think I am richer for it. I was humbled by the humanity of this person and this ‘unsanctioned’ situation. It was such a deeply spiritual reminder of the fact that my ‘troubles’ pale in comparison with so many others out there.

I unmatched with Rahul that same evening, after letting him share to his heart’s content for half a day, because he urgently wanted all three of us (him, his mom & I) to get on a video call and talk – I didn’t wish to do the same.

I wish Rahul & his Mum all the very best. Truly, sincerely. I hope they can live out their best lives – whatever that means for them individually and together.

(more posts will follow, as part of this series)