Me, MaryJane & I

A Story of my budding relationship with MaryJane:

Ever since I have come in touch with plant medicine, a journey that began with Ayahuasca, I speak to a Higher Power – usually I refer to Her as Mumma (Mumma Aya) and ask her for help when I need it, ask her for advice or answers to my burning questions. I complain to her, I vent to her, I even rage at her. I also express my delight and gratitude to Her every chance I get. In my experience She talks back -She listens, She answers, She sends me brand new ideas/ sudden pops of inspiration, She sends me people who help when I need it, She sends my subconscious messages via my dreams, She rewards me for my gratitude with surprise events, chance meetings, sweet strangers, safe adventures, love from animals wherever I go etc.

So, one fine day in 2022, I received a clear message – I woke up that morning with a clear thought (and it was a first on the topic) – I need to meet the Marijuana energy now. I am finally ready for Her. Goddess MaryJane.

You see, there is a context to this and why this is significant to my story.

I have always hated on smokers, whatever they may smoke. Cigarette smokers have always brought out the wrath in me – cigarette smoke makes my already clinically diagnosed dry eyes – drier! Dry or dehydrated eyes give me headaches, headaches that don’t subside – in addition to making my eyes burning red.

I used to, and still detest cig smoke. It can destroy my mood within seconds. How? Who can maintain a good mood with a shitty headache and burning eyes?!?!?

Additionally, unlike a person who drinks alcohol, a cig smoker produces a by-product that others must ingest too, often against their will!

I hate it!

I used to exclude myself from office meetings where people would gather around and smoke. I had to tirelessly explain why. Even then people wouldn’t care or empathise. Smokers are selfish, I learnt over time, with ample evidence.

I would not even stand around with my friends (the closest of friends) who insisted on smoking around me. I have abandoned houses, parties, huddles – simply because the tobacco smoke completely fucks me up within moments. And for doing so, I have been judged, maligned and thought of as high maintenance. I couldn’t care less.

In the initial years of this struggle, I would simply put up with it, suffering through my eye and head pains and aches quietly. Then came a time when I couldn’t take it any more – voicing my discomfort openly but feeling bad or sad that I have to exclude myself from conversations and company of the people that I either like (friends, acquaintances) or are of significance to my life (professional or familial settings).

A few years ago, I graduated from the above social stress – I decided that I AM THE PRIORITY. Fuck FOMO.

I began to exit spaces with cig smoke the moment it began to hurt me, my eyes or my head without ANY explanation or Regret, no matter who it is that I was deserting (from best friend to bosses).

This was one aspect of my somatic experience with tobacco smoke that kept me away from the mere act of smoking in the first place. Additionally, I held a bias against cig smokers, a moralistic one (yeah yeah I used to be quite judgmental back then). On top of this, the world I dwelled in back then, the people that surrounded me were largely divided into two types –

A. Those who considered and touted marijuana and hash and whatever else as good-for-nothing drugs used by good-for-nothing druggies; &

B. Those who smoked marijuana and hash etc and behaved like dependent druggies

Naturally this reinforced my bias against smokers and smoke in general and against weed smokers in particular. I considered it a ‘drug’, a substance that becomes a compulsion, makes you a ‘good-for-nothing’ lazyass who wants to escape reality. I don’t particularly blame myself for this because literally every marijuana/ hash smoker around me used/ ‘smoked up’ in groups of people usually talking a bunch of crap or giggling, passing a joint around, ‘wasting time’, looking like a ‘druggie’. And most of these people seemed to be addicted to the substance.

Plus because tobacco was mixed in with the joints, the smoke would fuck me up as usual.

I hated it, I hated them all.

So much judgment I carried about the whole thing, some based on my lived experience, and some based on deep ignorance.

As a result, I have spent most of my adult life (barring the last 2 years, since mid-2022) judging MaryJane and those who love Her, and staying away from experiencing Her altogether.

So imagine my surprise that morning in 2022 when I woke up with this clear urge to try MaryJane for the first time. As everything other strong urge or inspiration that appears on my mindscape, I put it out there swiftly. And by that I mean I told Mumma Aya that I was ready; and I also told a close friend of mine to request any of his smoker friends to roll me a joint ASAP.

Being a complete newbie to this whole sub-culture, I wasn’t well-versed in any of the nomenclature and lingo of this world. That still somewhat holds true.

Within a few days my friend told me that he spoke to our common friend (well, his friend and my batch-mate/acquaintance) about my ask, who then agreed to share the gift of MJ with me. So this dude, let’s call him DRK, was supposedly the go-to MJ/ weed guy when we were at college (this was 15 years ago). Apparently, DRK was always ‘holding’ weed as they say.

DRK was, amazingly for me, about to quit MJ for good, after enjoying Her company for two decades. His wife had been urging him to quit for many years, and now that his little daughter was growing up, He was making some tough decisions about his lifestyle (whatever his reasons/ motivations may be). So, apparently DRK had purchased a bag full of MJ some days ago and hadn’t even touched it. DRK came to visit me, we had a lovely conversation about his life and mine, after which he surprised me with that entire bag of MJ – I said I just wanted to experiment, so wouldn’t need that much. But he said “just take it”. I asked him how much he paid for it – and I KID YOU NOT – he refused to let me pay for it!

AND GET THIS – I HAVEN’T YET HAD TO PAY FOR MJ for myself – She has always come as a gift to me. SERIOUSLY!! People have been gifting Her to me. Till date (Dec’2024) four men have gifted me marijuana. Shrug Emoji. So, when I say that the Gods of Psychedelia LOVE ME, it is no joke!!

After some experimentation in terms of how to ingest MJ, I arrived at the method I use to this day. Smoking pure leaf through a water pipe (And no it’s not a bong, I still do not know what a bong is). The story of the water pipe is also remarkable, as is my journey with psychedelics. Back in 2009 or 2010, I went to a local pop-up market in my neighbourhood in Mumbai, saw this beautiful piece of glasswork, a sort of pipe and innocently purchased it for my bookcase, as a showpiece.

The week that I received DRK’s MJ bag, I spotted the pipe sitting pretty in my bookcase – approx. 12 years from when it was purchased. Upon some googling I realised that it was a water pipe and I could use it to smoke MJ with!!!!! I mean c’monnnnn! What are the odds!?

The first time I smoked the leaf, I was by myself as per usual, sitting cross-legged on the white-grey sofa in my Bombay living room, silence in the house, my eyes closed, 2-3 puffs taken, forehead tingling.

When the forehead began tingling, I was reminded of magic mushrooms. I sat alert, hand on my heart, waiting for what was to come. I felt like the crystal between my eyes, embedded in the center of my skull, was beeping quietly, ripples of energy reverberating from it outwards into my home, into the world. And then I began to feel something I have never felt with either Aya or Magic Mushrooms – but with LSD yes (somewhat). My LSD experience had purely been about my body, it wasn’t felt or seen in the mind or the eyes – it was felt in my body through that current of vaginal/ pelvical pleasure and those elective orgasms that I could ride if I so wished, whenever I wished during that ‘trip’ – LSD was somatic. But I had only tried LSD twice in 2021-22 – and the second attempt was vastly dimmer and dialled down compared to that first time (the blotter stamp had been stored for over 9 months before I ingested it – the molecule must have half-evaporated).

So more than LSD, it has been MaryJane that has brought me undoubtedly back INTO MY BODY. MJ is thoroughly somatic for me, and consistently so, to this day.

That afternoon, sitting in my living room, on that sofa, I could feel the energy centers within my body. I could focus my attention on one ball of moving energy after another vertically in my body. Chakras, as I understand them, and have experienced them when I learnt Pranic Healing, Theta Healing, breathwork etc.

I was astonished to feel this way, after just 2-3 puffs of MJ. I was overwhelmed and tears streamed down my cheeks. I wasn’t crying, I was just so deeply moved by the somatic sensations. I could move the energy around. I repeated my favourite meditation that I stick to at the beginning of my rendevouz with any plant medicine – the one where I imagine my spine connected to the center of our Earth, asking for warmth/ coolness to come up and fill me up from Earth’s core.

The sensation that arose with MJ, in this meditation, was unbelievable. It was more intense than I had ever experienced before. The warmth spread through me like there was a fire lit within me, a beautiful gentle bonfire. I swam in that internal energy soup for some time, just blissful. I thanked Aya. I thanked MaryJane. I was so overwhelmed.

My special relationship with Her had begun.

I did not need more puffs – I was in bliss for an hour or more. I couldn’t believe it. I felt the beautiful yet assertive pressure of by body’s chakra energies wherever I placed my attention. For some time, I felt as if there was a hand pressing down on chest, and my forehead was holding insane amounts of energy in its center – I couldn’t do much with it – I just sat there and felt it, felt Her, in my system.

After some time, I laid down where I was. And I began feeling aroused, much in the same way as I had with LSD – I began to moan, louder and louder, with deep yet startling pleasure. You know where this is going, don’t You?

I was shattered by the force of the orgasm that followed. Blissfully shattered. And the world was bathed in my bliss, this golden-white rippling energy that reverberated outward from the center of my being. I quickly summoned all that life-affirming creative energy back into my body. And ‘zuppppp’ it came back to me. Super-charged sexual energy, elixir of creativity, my life force.

Since that day, I have smoked MJ on my own (barring a mere 3 or 4 times), in my privacy, as a meditation, I ask questions/ have intentions in my mind, I feel the pressure of my body’s chakras vibrating with energy. Sometimes She puts me into a restful sleep, other times I can focus in on a particular thought or idea She presents of my Subconscious does. I should say my SuperConscious.

And other times I can simply swim in delicious sky-splitting earth-shattering pleasure – MJ orgasms – oh my fucking goddess!

In my lived experience, by far, LSD and MJ are sort of sisters.

Whereas Ayahuasca and Mushrooms are relatives. They both take me out of my body, to other worlds. LSD and Marijuana bring me back firmly into my body. Rooted in this flesh, in this body, in this skeleton. This superstructure that breathes, moves, radiates with energy and bursts into pleasure.

LSD was and MJ are lifelines for me – divine gifts bestowed upon me by the Gods of Pscyhedelia (as are any and all the plant medicine/ psychedelic aids that have graced Me with opportunity to see Myself and My inner World, even parallel universes oh so clearly, viscerally), but it feels like MJ is carrying on with LSD began for me and my being.

LSD brought my attention to my body, my womanhood, my energy, my identity. MJ is continuing that work for me. MJ is teaching me that I deserve to ‘relax’ into my body. To ‘relax’ my mind, to let the incessant thinking Pause. To let the mind go quiet. To keep the quiet conversation On with Mumma Aya (I often talk to Mumma Aya after smoking MJ).

For the life of Me, I cannot imagine smoking MJ with someone (by design/ choice), or in a group, or even talking to anyone after taking a few puffs. MJ quiets me, as do all the other psychedelics. BUT MJ REALLY QUIETS ME. DIVINE SILENCE.

The flavour and intensity of meditation I enjoy with MJ in my system is incomparable. The pleasure, oh the pleasure. Wow.

I have, unfortunately for Me, found myself in a couple of situations since where I was a part of a huddle of people passing a joint around – Firstly, I don’t do joints, I smoke the leaf pure, by itself, by msyelf. Secondly, the tobacco mixed in was hurting my throat and eyes (the smoke). Thirdly, these people were talking, laughing while I was going more and more inwards. It was a hellish few minutes for Me. But I tolerated it out of politeness and love for a brother. Never again though!

All I could think of during those few minutes was – I wish I was by myself, I wish I was by myself. Maybe there was a lesson in that.

P.S. MJ (pure leaf) – the smoke DOES NOT BOTHER MY EYES IN THE LEAST – anyway I never take more than 4-5 puffs in any given session. Not enough smoke to bother me.

In my experience, I do not understand why someone would mix their energy with other people’s when they are experiencing MJ. But that’s just Me and my opinion.

I can imagine some day sharing the MJ experience with a divine man, after I have come to know him a bit, after knowing about his energy a bit, MJ would be lovely to discover shared pleasure, but until then, it’ll be just Me, MJ & I.