I didn’t have to wait for long. Ayahuasca took hold of me within minutes of drinking the second cup. I saw a little girl child, a toddler, standing up in a crib, crying/ howling for her mother. I sensed that that child was Me. Little Anjuri.
I, the physical human, began crying too. Big tears. Such pain. That is when the Mother Aya began talking to me, non-verbally. And that’s how the greatest conversation of my life began.
Mamma Aya told me “this child is you. All your life you think you have been crying out for your mother’s love and attention, unrequited, whereas in real terms You have been crying out for Me – Ayahuasca, Gaia, Earth, Madré Tierra. You are My Child. I am Your Mother. And now that You Know This, You will NEVER have to sit and wonder if You are Loved by Your Mother. You obviously Are! I have always and will always LOVE YOU, my Child, My Baby.”
And I said “Of Course!“
(context for new readers: I have had a tortured relationship with my human mother, I have always felt that she disdains me, nothing I do pleases her, I feel unloved, abused, neglected and hated – And it was one of my biggest asks from Ayahuasca – to heal this)
In that instant, any doubt, any complaint, any misgivings I had had of being a suffering unloved child, emotionally neglected, unwanted, undesired by her Mother – Gone. Poof! It was as if I never had any such feelings. The tears, as abruptly as they had erupted from my eyes, halted instantaneously. Fin. No need for discussion or debate or doubt.
Please note that under the influence and guidance of Ayahuasca, if she tells you/ shows you something, You SIMPLY BELIEVE IT, ITS LIKE THE MESSAGE GETS CODED IN YOUR BONES, IN YOUR DNA – you DO NOT QUESTION IT. YOU JUST BELIEVE IT TO BE TRUE. YOUR CELLS UNDERSTAND THE MESSAGE, YOUR BRAIN AND EVEN YOUR SHITTY BUSY EGO BELIEVES IT! Shocking but oh so necessary, THIS RADICAL DISRUPTION. It feels truer than 2+2=4. You don’t just believe it, you simply know it.
Next, I was shown my Human Mother, as a child herself, a little girl, with that adorable face. She was crying out for her own Mother, just as I had been. She kept crying, but no one came to her aid, vulnerable, helpless. Then Aya explained to me – “like you, most humans cry out for their mothers their whole lives, without any resolution, without any reciprocation, without learning that I am their real mother, and I of course, love them to the world’s end…
…Their whole lives they keep searching, like you have, living their lives in separation from Me, blaming and cursing their human mothers, and fathers. They never even come to understand that they are Actually Looking For Me – their REAL MOTHER. They don’t even get to meet Me as their mother. They mistake their human mothers as people who should have “done right by them”, as people who should “validate and love and honour and cherish” the living lights out of them – and they spend entire lifetimes holding anger, resentment against them. Misappropriated pain.”
She continued, “very few of you humans come into contact with me, and then understand that they are MY BEAUTIFUL BELOVED CHILDREN, divinely loved and accepted just as they are – magnificent, magical. BUT MOST OF YOU NEVER MEET ME IN THIS WAY – hence, so much anger, so much pain in your world.”
I said “Of Course!“
A part of me exclaimed, “Since you are my actual Mother, that means that my human mother is not really my Mother. Consequently, if she is not my actual mother, HOW CAN I JUDGE HER SO HARSHLY!? HOW CAN I EXPECT SO MUCH FROM HER!?“.
In reply to this epiphany, the energy of Ayahuasca just wrapped me up in Her warmth. Felt like she was smiling back at me, knowingly. And I said “Of Course!“
I vowed to never judge my human mother again! Of Course!
At this point I expected Mamma to ask me to forgive my human mother for all the dysfunction, the pain, the abuse, the neglect, the emotional absence – to embrace her, to love her in a brand new way. But, much to my surprise, nothing more was said/ communicated to me about my human mother. No instructions, no lessons. That was pretty unexpected.
How I understand this is – enough energy has been spent analysing and overanalysing my relationship (or the lack of it) with my human mother. Enough judgment has been passed by both of us. Now its time to let it go, completely. No need for this internal drama. No need to look for any validation, no need to covet love and attention. Its done. Its a non-point.
Of Course.
She then pointed out one thing in regards to my human mother – You should be thankful that she brought you into this world, raised you up, kept you healthy and alive so that NOW YOU ARE SITTING HERE WITH ME. SHE HAS DONE HER ONLY JOB, SHE HAS DONE IT WELL. SHE DOES NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING MORE. Let her go, set her free, set yourself free (from all the drama and pain).
PATHBREAKING. BREATHTAKING. RADICAL DISRUPTION.
She told me “You dare not ever doubt that you are loved, by Me, your Mother, from this day on!” At no point did I see/ perceived a physical form, it was all energy., all feeling, sensation. It was so beyond words and so beautiful. I can’t explain it any better than this.
Next she began showing me how HUMAN BABIES COME INTO THIS WORLD – it was a wall of beautifully sun-honey-lit pods or capsules with babies in them, waiting for the next available HUMAN PORTAL. She told me that human females are mere portals, sacred yes because they incubate and do their best to give birth and keep you alive, but Souls choose the next available human female portal to be born into and through.
At that point I was a 35-year old, divorced woman who had chosen to not have a child. Over the years, I had come to realise that I did not want to give birth. Yet I was always patronized, pressured, condescended to – “you will regret it, you are depriving your husband of a child, how selfish, you are running away from responsibilities” etc. So, naturally, despite all the inner work I had done and the deep confidence I already felt in my choice, I still carried some residual guilt or confusion around this topic.
She told me, firmly yet gently, “You do not owe anyone anything. If you choose not to use/ open your portal, a baby that has to be born into the world will simply choose the next available syncing portal and walk through to the human realm. Your choices are perfect for You, whatever you choose. You are valid. This choice – is just that – a choice. Rest easy in it.”
I said “Of Course!“
Matter/ Chapter forever closed!
Suddenly she showed me a human feotus, clearly inside a womb. Both the baby and the walls of the womb were covered with beautiful geometric patterns, lit with sunlight coming from outside the womb. Warm, honey, orange-yellow. (I have rendered this vision of the human baby, floating in amniotic fluid within a sun-lit womb in a couple of my paintings)
As I admired the scene, I started hearing celebratory drums playing in the background while I looked at this cute little perfect feotus. The birth was coming near, it seemed. I exclaimed “this baby is so perfect.” She said “of course she is! She is YOU!”.
I said “Of Course!“
Anjuri, the woman sitting there on the mattress, eyes closed, was grinning from ear to ear. Giggling at the simplicity of all my lessons. The simplicity and matter-of-fact-ness of these truths of life I was being exposed to.
“Of Course!“
Suddenly that baby was in my arms. I panicked and said “But, I just told you I do not want to give birth, I don’t want to be a Mother in this lifetime!!“
She said “You are already a mother, a mother TO YOURSELF. Love yourself like you belong to Yourself, like you gave birth to Yourself. You are beginning to do this. Keep at it. Never doubt.”
I said “Of Course!”
Then she said “You know you are perfect just as you are, don’t you!?”
I said “Of Course!”
At any given day, outside of an Ayahuasca setting (or any other psychedelics I have worked with to date), the human Anjuri who sat there exclaiming all of these “Of Course!”‘s would scoff at these “You are perfect” affirmations. Me? Perfect? Ha! Only if you think that a 38 year old divorced woman, who has struggled with obesity and food dysfunctions her whole adult life, self-hating, with her introverted-extroverted confusions, severe body-shame and hate, forever seeking parental validation is PERFECT!?!?!? The human Anjuri sitting there in that maloca would annihilate you with sarcasm and venom and make a list of things that disprove “You are Perfect”. But, like I mentioned before – the truths that Mamma Ayahuasca reveals to you, you agree to and believe.
I AM PERFECT JUST AS I AM – rang absolutely true in my DNA, my blood, my bones. Aya doesn’t lie, she doesn’t sugarcoat, she doesn’t coddle, she doesn’t mislead. Of Course, I am perfect just as I AM.
Around the same moment, I was shown a sunlit wave of geometric patterns moving up from my foot through my body – felt like my DNA was being refreshed/ renewed/ upgraded. Or a lesson downloaded into my motherboard. Felt delightful. More giggling and grinning ensued.
By this time, I was lying down on the mattress assigned to me. So blissfully happy, my goddess! I began touching myself all over to understand how perfect I actually was. I touched my belly, which I have abhorred for so long, and I was baby-talking to myself like you would to a little child or baby-pet/animal – I was telling myself “You are my perfect baby! You are so lovely, so beautiful, so cute!“
OF COURSE!
(read on in the next post)
ArtPeace By Anjuri 
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