L.S.D. Love, Sensuality & Desire:

That time I experimented with LSD:

One day I became rather lucky, in that I received a first opportunity to try LSD. No need to get into the details of how and when. And who. Let’s just say that ever since I decided to unlearn and go forth into the Unknown, the Gods, angels and demons of Psychedelics have been on my side and seem to approve of my explorations. They keep blessing me with effortless opportunities interspersed with my ‘regular’ life.

I was warned by the person who procured the LSD for me (a small blotter stamp, barely 0.5 cm square in size) to have a trip-sitter, to not try it on my own, to try only half the blotter in one sitting etc.

I think these are fair instructions to pay heed to for first-timers in general. Good advice. But since I consider myself a veteran explorer, I did it my own way, as usual.

I consider myself a veteran because, the fact is that I began my entire journey with psychedelics with the LITERAL MOTHERLODE – MUMMA AYAHUASCA! As much as Ayahuasca is a group experience, divinely orchestrated, it is also a deeply individual private personal internal experience. Aya made me quite confident – that even if my “journey” turns “hellish”, I can experience it, stay still, just bare down, and come through it eventually with a ton of insight, homework and learning. Much like in life. She has taught me that I can count on Myself, and I can count on divine powers and the angels and demons of Psychedelia 🙂 to keep me ‘safe’.

So, my intro to this world has been at a Pro level to begin with (haha). And the second godly substance I ever interacted with was magic mushrooms (psilocybin mushrooms) – and I did so by MYSELF – no trip-sitter then either (even though I had been warned to have one). I felt confident that I didn’t need anyone other than myself. I just went with the flow, went with my hunch, decided my own dose. (e.g. usually a hero dose is recommended for first-timers – 3g dried mushrooms. I decided to do that as well the first time, but altered it for all the consecutive times I have consumed mushrooms – best suited for myself, based on experience).

Another thing needs mentioning here, in the context of my self-determined modus operandi wrt psychedelics – I have become quite brave, confident and ‘still’ when it comes to exploring things by myself ever since I began this journey into the unknown. And I see/ find this quiet inner confidence rendering itself onto the rest of my life as well. The way I approach the unknown is more or less the same – just make a choice, an experience will follow – if the experience turns out to be ‘tough’ or ‘intense’ just simply stay still within it, feel everything it throws at you with a knowing that its a teacher and it shall pass. Then on to the next choice and experience. Learn and play, play and learn. Keep exploring and Carry On!

Coming back to LSD specifically …

I followed my own hunch about how to experience LSD. I did it by myself, without a trip-sitter. I am solitary in my explorations, and I shall remain so. I, however, exercised caution in terms of the dosage, since it was my first time. And I always want to give myself wholesome opportunities to safely learn. I do not wish to overwhelm myself. I never wish to scare myself. I am gentle with the explorer in me, and I wish to nurture her, help her, heal her. In that spirit, I did only half the blotter in that first sitting. And my goodness, it was an absolutely right decision. Just the Half-stamp-blotter granted me a ‘trip’ of over 10 hours!!!! And what an insane trip it was! My God!

I had decided that I would be doing it in the morning, to have the experience “happen” in daylight, or during waking hours – didn’t want to miss any of it due to sleep taking over. I stretched, bathed, had some fruit, a medium sized meal (I intuitively expected the experience to last for many many hours and didn’t want my attention to drift to hunger. Over the past few days, in the tentative run-up to the LSD experiment, I had been putting together a playlist of supposedly LSD-friendly music (something I had searched online for). I thought I should clear my mind, empty it before I ingested the substance. With that intent, I watched a few ‘brain massage’ kaleidoscopic videos to make my mind blank. Surprisingly, for an overthinker like me, I could become quiet and calm within to a large extent.

I drew the curtains closed, put on my curated playlist, put half the blotter (having cut it in half with a pair of scissors neatly) on my tongue and sat with it there for a while. I had no clue what to wait for honestly. Hadn’t read up about any experiences beforehand on purpose – didn’t want to condition myself with any information. I am a true explorer. Play it by ear, discover what comes up. Relax, everything passes, even the “bad” trips.

Having said the above, I was aware that I already had loads of vague images in my head about LSD and its experiences since I had been an above-average consumer of American content all through my adult years – meaning that I had been exposed to various ideas of what happens when one takes an LSD trip – seeing trippy 70’s style visions with your eyes open, seeing colours, things morphing and moving in front of your (open) eyes, “tripping balls” etc. The distant image/ idea I had of LSD from western media was that it was a “drug”, a drug of choice of hippies, no-good hipsters, high on the chemical, seduced by the ecstasy of an artificial ‘non-spiritual’ delight. Enough said. But a part of me, the sacred all-knowing part of me was suspicious about it all being large-scale propaganda.

I must say here that I worked hard to not dwell on any of the above imagery. But yes by then, and since Ayahuasca ceremonies, I had become quite good at de-conditioning myself and letting happen what will. Having experiences and then making up my mind about what I felt rather than the other way around. True explorer, mostly.

I sat there waiting a long time, maybe 5-10 minutes till I felt the chemical off the paper would have dissolved and absorbed on to my tongue and spit the paper out (the paper was quite thick FYI, hence I didn’t think I should swallow it – insert shrug emoji here).

Initially, I write in my journal, I began feeling quite emotional. I began yearning for Ayahuasca’s motherly love. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I was quietly crying, sitting there. By now I knew not to stifle the tears, crying is gloriously healthy (for me for sure). Then another experience I have become familiar with since 2019 began to take shape – my forehead began to tingle intensely. The area between my eyebrows. Throbbing, pulsating, tingling. Immense energy sitting between my closed eyes. I don’t know how else to say this than to say that it felt like LSD began to firmly grip my Third Eye. It felt like some decisions were being taken, without my knowledge, some ‘energy’ was sifting through the contents of my brain-mind-psyche and deciding on what to work on during this experience. It was intense, a pressure building within and without my forehead. I kept my eyes closed.

I put on an eye mask to create an illusion of darkness since it was broad daylight out even with curtains drawn, and my music was on. I waited. I lay down after some time – nothing was “happening” for a considerable amount of time (don’t remember exactly how long, but let’s say 20-30 minutes). I got bored, got up from my bed, walked up to the other room where there was an unfinished painting with a central green figure (connoting Mumma Ayahuasca). I went and sat in front of the painting, expecting Her, the central figure, to start moving, to start coming to life (since I was on LSD). I stared at it from all angles, and suddenly She, the central figure, began to jut out of the canvas unexpectedly. She turned 3D and began to hone in on me – and then She smiled benevolently! At me!

Wow!

I did the cartoony thing of shaking my head from side to side to confirm that I wasn’t imagining it – There She was, smiling at me lovingly, knowingly, mysteriously. No words, no lip movement, yet I received a clear instruction from Her – go back to bed.

I sat there for a few more moments and kept staring at her, extending an arm towards Her, aiming to touch Her, to feel Her. Wow. My unfinished painting turned 3D!! Woaaaahhhh.

I returned to my room, obediently, again to sit in bed. I put on Enigma songs (songs designed for spiritual sexual sensual pleasure, in my understanding) on a hunch, as if I had a premonition of what’s to come. I was lying down, still waiting for a ‘sensation’ that would declare to me that the “trip” had begun. I was also slightly nervous not knowing what to expect. A little bit of fear is a healthy part of exploration. And I must say, we must fear, we must proceed with caution, with gratitude, with reverence for life’s delights that come in the form of psychedelics.

Some more time passed and I began doing a mini-visualisation-meditation that I often practice whilst experiencing any psychedelic on my own – I close my eyes, imagine my heart center glowing with green energy/ light, the green orb growing in size and radiating through my body, then a shot/ arrow of energy shooting from my heart – passing downward through my spine-legs-feet deep into the core of the earth. Then I imagine energy/ grounding energy coming back up this light/energy chord into my entire body through my feet-legs-spine. To feel the power and truth of this exercise, I sometimes imagine/ request either heat or a cold wave of energy to come through from the earth’s core. And it has never failed. Depending on what I ask for, I feel either a soupy heat spreading through my spine and body or a cucumbery-coolness taking over. It is divine to say the least. It was shocking and unbelievable at first, but now I’m accustomed to it and eagerly await it when I begin this meditation.

So, while I waited for something to “happen”, I began doing this practice (it usually takes just a few minutes for me to complete) as I lay in bed. I felt the familiar sensations of “heat” that I had requested from the Earth spreading through my body. It was a bit extra warm. Yummy.

Before I knew it something else began to happen. It shocked me enough that I took my eye mask off, opened my eyes and became stiff. A strange tingling sensation began in my feet (not a regular expected part of my meditative practice as described above), it came up to my calves, it was like a wave of sensation. It came up my knees, it came up my thighs and by then I was already moaning and sighing (I was really taken aback) and before I could think – it rose up my pelvis and then went up my belly, deep within me and I began to shiver with pleasure as I could feel the waves crashing on my heart center.

This happened a few more times, before I could understand what this was! Just waves of pleasure, toe-curling, spine-chilling pleasure, just riding an elevator throughout my body, up and down, up and down. Not climaxing anywhere, just making me shiver in the process. As I began to relax into the consecutive contraction-type-timing of these waves or currents of pleasure passing up and down my body, I began to sob quietly, tears rolling off the sides of my face as I lay there, confused.

I cried because something within me felt UNWORTHY, UNDESERVING of this pleasure. I received flashbacks of the hateful things I have said to myself, that others have said to me, memories of how much I have hated being a woman, having a womb/ uterus, how much I have detested my body, in all its shapes and sizes, all its different phases. I cried tears of shame, self-neglect, violence (inflicted through words, touch, by others and by myself!), anger, inadequacy, yearning, longing, loneliness.

I remembered that I had never orgasmed during sex, I remembered the venomous words my ex had used to shame me about my body towards the end of our marriage. It was all crashing down on me, threatening to crush me, annihilate me entirely, BUT there was also simultaneously this uninterrupted current of pleasure coursing through my being!! What a contradiction!

The more I was reminded of my womb having been a burden on me, this female body being a burden, the more pleasure I felt deeeeeeeeep in my lower belly. This whole thing was so damn confusing. I was sobbing, weird grunts, cries escaping my mouth, so confused, in pain, in pleasure. Weird!

A few moments later (I won’t pretend that I could keep track of time in any way… so let’s say “some time later” haha)… I felt such intense bubbly pleasure brewing in my lower belly (where I assume my uterus and ovaries reside) that a giggle came bursting through my tears. And the minute I began giggling and blushing, felt my face turn hot, I felt an earth-shattering sensation climaxing into my body, exploding in my pelvis, between my slightly open thighs…

It was a crashing ORGASM. An unprompted, un-masturbated ORGASM.

Oh. My. God. It shattered me, it shattered my ego, it shattered the reservoir of venom collected over the years inside my body – that’s what it felt like.

Jesus Effing Christ. So delicious.

I was breathless with moaning and screaming. Toe-curling orgasm. Jesus H Christ!

I have to reveal something about my body’s orgasm mechanism here (what a choice of words!). So basically, I have never orgasmed during intercourse. Never. It has been a real downer for my ex-partner, for he really cared about my pleasure. But alas! it never happened for us. In addition to this fact/ experience, I have also never been able to orgasm with any other kind of physical stimulation. Yes, I have/ we had tried multiple “normal” ways through our time together and nothing brought me to orgasm. Not even clitoral stimulation, not a toy, not fingering, not cunnilingus, nothing. Ugh.

Needless to say, this burden lay heavy on my shoulders and mind for years. It definitely affected my marriage and made me feel “useless” sexually. It was deeply frustrating. Insert really sad face emoji.

But… but…..THIS IS A BIG BIG GARGANTUAN BUT…

But…

Many years ago, I discovered my superpower, a compensation for what I have missed within intercourse/ physical stimulation all those years. The superpower is this – solitary orgasm – WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO TOUCH MYSELF!!!!

YES, you read it right.

It’s almost like The Gods and Goddesses, from the Ministry of Pleasure, compensating for what they left out of my body’s pleasure mechanics which is the “norm”. Also, it is definitely not the “norm” for around 60-70% women of the world to have a vaginal-orgasm during intercourse. I learnt this well-studied fact much much later in life through reading Shere Hite’s in-depth research into women’s pleasure. And there is a small sliver of the female populace on this planet that actually orgasms just in the way that I do – without the need to be physically touched! Woohhhooo! Imagine my relief when I discovered this way back in 2014, after I had felt like an ‘incomplete’ freak of nature for several years and hidden my body’s superpower from my then-partner and fellow women (I have since become a strong advocate of discussing sex, sexuality, orgasm with fellow women and men – for the more we discuss and share things, the more we can create comfort, more flavour and awareness – no one has to imagine and assume and suffer in isolation. Every body is unique and every mechanism god’s gift).

So my superpower is this – i just have to either imagine, read or watch something stimulating and get turned on in the process, squeeze my thighs together, maybe girate rhythmically and I reach such a beautiful crescendo that I scream/ moan in pleasurable climax. I discovered this as an intern, in an office. Yes, I am putting it all out here because I wish to be as authentically ME as possible, every single day. No more concealing. No need for shame or cringe. It is what it is and I believe it is a miraculous story of self-discovery. Anyway, I have exercised this superpower in every place imaginable – yes – I am admitting this here for all to read – I have orgasmed using this superpower in an office, in cabs, autorickshaws, traffic jams never bothered me (hahahaha). I have thoroughly enjoyed this – my body’s unique pleasure mechanism to the hilt – as it is mine to enjoy. For all the times that I felt shitty for not orgasming in any other “normal” way – I have orgasmed by myself a hundred times over. Yes!

So now imagine my surprise at a psychedelic substance (LSD) enabling and validating my superpower in this way – Basically LSD gave me wave upon crashing wave of orgasm, without me even touching myself, with small intervals of “break time” to gather my sense of time and space, for over 8-10 hours. Yes, LSD was a non-stop orgasm fest for me – each time the same – started as tingling in my feet, a wave of strange pleasure rising up and up and up, sometimes teasing me, and sometimes crashing on my pelvical and lower-abdomen area in the most excruciating and divine pleasure I have ever experienced, which basically rendered me screaming and moaning and sighing and crying with the most exquisite pleasure.

In addition to this, I was being shown a vision behind my closed eyes – Me, riding a faceless man, eyes closed, feeling supremely powerful in my sexuality, in my body’s pleasure – I kept trying to “see more”, like the face of the man, or even a whole body – but I could not. I understood it as just my expression of sexual pleasure, to myself, with myself. I was fucking the universe and it was fucking me back. The Divine masculine of this universe was allowing me to pleasure myself endlessly and feel like the goddess that I am meant to be understood as.

Soon after, the feeling of the ‘male presence’ vanished completely. It was just Me, this wild force, this vast female energy, powerful with pleasure, healing with pleasure, dancing with abandon, animalistically, powerfully, gracefully, dancing amidst the stars, galaxies away, and also Here in my bed in Bombay.

Interestingly in 2020, a month before my First ever Aya ceremonies, I had sat down, quite cynically, with a clairvoyant channeler with a long list of questions I had about the past and some about the future. One of the questions I has asked was about sex (whether I would ever have fulfilling sexual rapports with men in my future) and the answer that was channeled was this “sex is but an expression of yourself to yourself” (!!!!!!!!!!!!). Yes. So, during this LSD “trip” I connected those dots as well and I was swimming in this vast ocean of my personal intimate pleasure – for myself, with myself. Even the image that I was shown – me riding this faceless half-body was corroborating this for me.

After the first couple of orgasms that hit me like a ton of pleasurable bricks (hehe), I was so flabbergasted that I picked up my phone (which I normally never do during any trip of any kind) and decided to google, in between gasping for air after the crazy moaning and breathlessness – LSD and orgasming. I was stunned that the only articles/ blogs/ verdicts available on the topic were about people taking LSD and then having sex and then writing about that later. I kept searching for a couple of minutes (and also afterwards when the trip was over by night time) but I couldn’t find a single reference for someone receiving countless orgasms by the substance.

I was blown away and confused but there wasn’t much time or space to dwell on that – LSD had still to give me countless more orgasms, and crashing waves of pleasure. It was like the elevator of pleasure was going up and down my body, and I could choose to catch a wave and orgasm gloriously if I so wished, otherwise I could keep feeling the pulse/ current of pleasure passing circuitously in my body.

After a while, I began to work with the medicinal experience – I had a question – what about porn? I have stimulated myself by watching porn for years now, and more than half the time felt guilty about the morality of this. I picked up my phone and looked at and enjoyed some porn, Enigma music blasting behind me, the beat, the drums, oh the sexy music that Enigma is!!! I wanted to discuss the morality of porn with the Gods. I waited to understand if there is a need for me to judge myself when I pleasure myself this way. Apparently, there is none.

All I have to do is pleasure myself. Pleasure myself till I heal myself. Till I heal my womanhood. Till I scream out all my repressed desires, breathless, wet, dripping with sacred lust. The topic of porn is loaded, with or without psychedelics, but in that moment with the Gods of pleasure, I was reminded to defocus from that. To just heal, to just orgasm, to heal all the women in me, to heal all the women I have ever been, to heal all the abusers within me, all the victims within me, to take my sexual power back, to defocus from the Male and his desire, to FOCUS ONLY ON MY ABSOLUTELY EARTH-SHATTERING BODY AND ENERGY. And send the deepest love to all my “flaws”. To send only pleasure to my wounds. Alchemize. Alchemize Anjuri, alchemize. Turn trauma into treasure, pain into pleasure.

Oh. My. God. I wish I could relive this learning experience. Jesus H Christ!

After more time passed, I understood the agenda of the substance that day and I simply played along. I made the Enigma music louder, stimulated myself by watching some erotica, shamelessly guiltlessly perusing through my fetishes (which I have never openly discussed with anyone until quite recently) and orgasmed away. It was a marvellous, stupendous experience. Words that I have in my arsenal fall short to describe this any further.

A year later I ingested the second half of the blotter paper – naturally the chemical should have dissipated almost completely since it had been stored away for over a year – but I am flabbergasted and thrilled to report that it had nearly the same effect in theme – bringing me immense pleasure and enable sex with myself (no touching needed as per usual). But yes, I have to report here that the effect was significantly reduced (by maybe 30-40%) in terms of duration of the trip and the intensity of it. That might also be because unlike the first time around, this time I was already aware of what LSD is capable of – for my body. So I literally saw it “cumming” LOL.

So there – now you know about my experience with Albert Hofmann’s accidental child – LSD. Goddess bless the Hofmanns.

For those so inclined, this (below) is an impromptu and un-doctored/ raw audio recording of a woman experiencing LSD, all by herself, solo, solitary – 18 minutes of me experiencing overwhelming pleasure and pleasureful pain.