3rd ceremony (2020) – part 3

For everyone else in the circle, the ceremony and the retreat had come to a satisfying close, but not for me. At least not yet.

While everyone was dispersing, chatting, giggling, high-fiving, I was lying down sideways on my mattress, feeling & looking zonked. I could see everyone around me jubilating, making plans for the next week, next month, so happy with their experiences. JJ and AN came around to me so lovingly, to check on me. JJ lit up a piece of palo santo and sort of waved it around me like you would an incense stick. So sweet! I couldn’t speak, once again. I just kept lying there, staring straight ahead, eyes open (too scared to close them for I might see the crazy fast-sped patterns again. I was still feeling terrible from within, bitter taste in my mouth, bitter taste of all my deep insecurities. I could see Maestro sitting in his low chair, talking to whoever approached him.

For a while, I kept looking, wanting to open my mouth and ask him to come to me, to help me, help me make sense of what was happening to me. I couldn’t.

After a while, in my mind I began calling out to him “Maestro, Maestro, please come to me, help me” a few times. Suddenly he looked at me, he got up from his chair, started walking towards me. As he approached me, he laughed looking at JJ doing the incense stick thing. He remarked, jokingly, “It looks like I am looking at a death ritual, a dead body”. “What happened?”. “Why are you lying down like that?”

(It is quite poetic now, in hindsight. I had stated my longing for male company and felt like Mamma Aya had just dodged me, not answering or showing me anything regarding that plea/ confession. But then so many wonderful men came to me on their own and held me lovingly. I had felt the horrible feelings of ‘not belonging’, feeling like I didn’t matter, I was invisible to people, no one cared about me etc. and then the whole tribe had embraced me when I broke down. I had also had an unprecedented practical lesson in being vulnerable amidst a group of people. It was packed full of insights, blessings, almost like a training ground for me.)

Anyway, Maestro compared me lying there, “dead-like”, to corpses being laid on a pile of wood for last rites in places like Banaras, where he had been. He made fun of me a bit to lighten me up I suppose. But then I whined about feeling ignored by Pachamama, about feeling very frustrated and angry. I can imagine to the reader this might sound like so much whining, me being petulant, idiotic, irritating. But I am just trying to be as honest as I can be here. So please bear with me.

I complained about Her not unlocking my creative potential, not telling me about my Purpose here, on this planet, in this life. What am I here for?

Maestro became serious and said “Your purpose is right here at the tip of your nose. You just can’t see it now.”. “It’s right there.”

That answer was seriously so annoying. What a bunch of crap, I thought. Felt like maestro was being useless, no point talking to him.

Maestro walked off after some time. I continued to wallow.

Then suddenly I felt a bit better as I thought about what Maestro had said, not fully understanding it at the time, but still I decided to shake it off, move on with the day. I somehow managed to stand up on my feet, walked to Maestro and hugged him, said my thanks for holding space for us, for introducing me to the medicine, for his other-worldly music performance, for coming all the way down form Peru. He hugged me back, and suddenly said “You are very sensitive. You must share that with the world, you must write what you feel, you must share, write a book…” I was pleased to hear this, but again, I didn’t quite feel it. I thought “now he is just saying random ‘nice’ things to me”. I thanked him and ended the hug.

I collected my bucket full of Holi water, that Brother T had prepared, basically cool water that had rose and marigold petals soaking in it for a few hours – we were each meant to pour that water on us after our regular bath was done with. I proceeded to my room. On the way, I met UB, who wonderfully told me, “AJ, if you feel like some of your process is still left to unfold, do not worry about it, do not feel weird about it just because everyone else seems like they are ‘done’ with their ceremony. If you need more time to be alone and process and close your eyes and sit in your room, do exactly that. Join the larger group later. Similar thing happened to me as well in my first retreat. Everyone seemed done with ceremony, with feeling whatever they had to and left the maloca, but my personal process kept going and going deep into the night, by myself. Honor this. Go to your room and be by yourself, go within.” He hugged me as he told me this. Sage advice.

I met a few others on the way, and received kind words and tight hugs.

I carried on to my room. Once there, I placed my flower water bucket in the bath area. I was going back out to lie down on my bed, but before that I accidentally looked at the large mirror above the sink. It was scary, my vision. I could see some dark outlines embedded in my face. My eyes were darker and shadowy. Grim. It scared me. But then something told me to lift up my shirt and look. There were stretch marks, which have been there for a while because of recurring weight gain and loss, but never had they appeared so stark. So visible, again with dark outlines. I stared for a while, but then I looked back up at my face. Scary. Mirrors are weird and unsettling during Ayahuasca process (I have heard from fellow ceremony-goers too) and Maestro recently explained that its a fear of Oneself, fear of facing your Self. Something you are hiding from yourself, something you don’t want to See! Wow!

Anyway, because my mirror image scared me, I decided to leave the bathroom and go to the bed. I was told to lie there, face down. I did.

As I closed my eyes, face buried in the bed-linen, I began hearing a strange, distant but distinguishable droning sound – like some sort of machinery on in the distance. It was loud in my ears. My eyes opened in surprise. I looked around and from the windows checked for some sign of machinery, there was none. The sound also stopped. I closed my eyes, face down once again. arms spread out around my head. The sound came on again. Loud and clear. Not loud as in high in decibel levels, but just clear and consistent. Then my teeth started chattering too. Once again, it’s not like I was cold, nor was the rest of my body shivering. But the jaw and teeth were doing their own thing. Chattering. After a few moments it felt as if this was normal and was happening, whether I liked it or not. Droning sound and teeth clattering.

I went with it, having relaxed after having a public meltdown, I wasn’t resisting the process finally.

Behind closed eyes, with drone-sound and clattering teeth, I began travelling through a pitch-black space, then twinkly dots began appearing, passing my forehead by, they weren’t really shiny, but clear. Different-coloured sparkly dots (stars!). I didn’t think or try to analyse what I was seeing. I was chilling. Hehe. Finally!

Soon, the black star-filled space turned into a sort of fog or clouds, which parted to show me two GIANT curved vessels. They were magnificent. Magnificent is a small word. I was absolutely at home looking at them. Didn’t get startled or open my eyes in shock. Their facades had a curved column each, which sported beautiful markings, intricate design (I have tried to paint or draw this multiple times, but haven’t come anywhere close to replicating what I have seen).

The drone sound became louder, clearer, and the teeth were now chattering in patterns – duh duh-duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh duh. something like a morse code. God knows what that was. That surprised me and I opened my eyes. My arms and hands were in my sight now, once my eyes opened. I started seeing white stick figures going up and down my arms. It was so clear. Maybe these were my very own doctorcitos (little figures that are often seen and reported by ceremony-goers, small little healers, who heal the body, heal the energy centers) You can find them in many paintings by Pablo Amaringo.

The white figures went about their business, their path being the underside of my arms, the smooth skin their playground or workplace. I don’t know what they were doing. No idea. But I let them be. After some time of watching them, I closed my eyes – again, drone sound, teeth chattering in some sort of rhythmic code, the “spaceships” were still there. Then suddenly, the sound stopped, so did the morse-code chattering. I opened my eyes to look at my palms. I could see through the skin, I could see the stuff behind the epidermis. My hands appeared so large, bloated sausage fingers. Again, I was mildly intrigued and amused by all this. Nothing unusual, haha.

I stared at my palms for a while, then I noticed a little dust mite sort of microscopic creature exploring the back of my cellphone, on the cover/case. I could see it so clearly, the thing. It was as big as a needle-point, yet I could see it. To me, then, it looked like a thing wearing a spacesuit of sorts, an astronaut exploring new terrain. It was fascinating. I was so proud of it – the little brave trooper, exploring the black mirror of my cellphone.

After some time, I felt like it was okay now to go take a shower. It was done. The ceremony and my process seemed to be done.

I took a bath, poured the cold flower water on my head, felt a chill down my spine and the smells from the petals were intoxicating, overwhelming. Insane!

I dressed in a top and black shorts. I put on some Kajal under my eyes. I put on earrings (incidentally, they had the ‘Flower Of Life’ design that I just hadn’t noticed at all – my sister had bought them a while ago, not knowing the significance of that design or that it was called ‘Flower Of Life’ even. I said I liked them, not noticing the Flower of Life design, just the aesthetic appeal, and so she just let me have them to keep! Neither of us had any clue as to the symbolic aspects of it, back then!)

Anyway, when I wore those earrings that morning, I honestly hadn’t noticed the Flower of Life either. I just picked the first earrings I found in that box and put them on. Amazing.

I was applying lotion on my legs leaning on the bed when I heard a buzzing sound. On instinct, I ducked out of the way of a bee or insect whatever it was. But to my surprise, it was the same shiny blue beetle-like creature that had rested on my leg earlier in the ceremony! WTF! I stared at it for a while. Life seemed magical in that moment.

I spoke to the insect, thanked it for checking on me and said farewell.

A friend came to check on me, said it was time to drive back to Mumbai and that I should come down when it’s time. I learnt later that I was gone for a long time, up alone in my room, experiencing this residual ceremony meant just for me.

I walked down with my luggage, people were sitting around, chatting merrily. Everyone said hello, checked on me, asked me what I had been up to for so long – I hesitated but gave them a short version of what I saw. Some of them looked at me like I had gone cuckoo. Haha!

After some time, after many hugs, I left with three others, driving back to Mumbai.

The Retreat and Ceremonies came to an end. But the Integration Process was only beginning. Maestro and Brother T had cautioned us multiple times that the main part of the journey and ‘homework’ begins once you leave the ceremonial space and return to ‘regular life’. They say that medicine stays energetically with you for years, works with you in your dream life and inner world, it goes on and on and on. Well, there is no way of understanding that or even believing it if You have never experienced it before. Most of us didn’t.

We learnt what Brother T was telling us was true, over the next months and even years (for me, for most of us).