Ayahuasca Calling – Part 2

Key lessons and themes in the run-up to the ceremonies:

On Brother T’s advice, I would spend most of my morning walks at Juhu beach, running a wish-list/ ‘intentions list’ in my mind, wish-list for Grandmother Ayahuasca to fulfil/ heed. Initially it seemed endless. All sorts of wishes. Most of them categorically ‘not frivolous’, but some definitely were (in hindsight, haha). Anyway, the serious ones were all coming from a place of wanting/ needing to be validated in my existence, discovering meaning, loving, forgiving and accepting the Self, my family, my ex, ‘unlocking creativity’ etc.

Morning after morning, the order of the wishes would shift around a bit, but the themes remained similar. Along with this, while I walked along the waters, I would also experience bouts of unworthiness, doubt, disbelief ‘Would Mamma Ayahuasca really care about Me?, Me, this unloveable creature, so confused and desperate?’; ‘Do I even deserve to engage with such highly coveted magical energies?’; ‘Am I even ready to face brutal truths about my life and the universe?’; ‘Is this really happening (upcoming Aya ceremonies) FOR ME or is this just a delusion that I have talked myself into?’; ‘Am I capable of getting out of my own way, to actually receive any life-changing insights?’.

And tears just streamed down my cheeks, morning after morning. Sometimes, I would feel deep elation and elevation in my thoughts, momentary clarity and stillness, soon to be overwhelmed by thoughts similar to those I mention above.

One such morning, as I was running my wish-list in my mind, to try to prioritise the most ‘deep’ and sincere ‘needs’/ desires, my legs suddenly stopped moving as a loud and clear ‘ask’ formulated itself in my mind – the most ‘burning’ one – ‘Mamma, Could you please help me experience motherly unconditional love meant JUST FOR ME, just for one night, or even for a few moments?’

Needless to say this stems from over three decades of feeling a disconnect, feeling rejected by my human mother, never having rested my crying face on a mother’s bosom (this was a recurring image/ desire in my head while I was facing heartbreak through my separation and divorce). Now that 2 years have passed since the Ayahuasca ceremonies, I have gained enough sense and maturity and clarity to understand that of course my human mother loves me and has always loved me, and will do so till the end of time – it’s just that she has her own demons, personality, hidden pains and limitations – after all we are all victims (children in pain) of victims (traumatised adults who were children in pain themselves). And we all do our best.

But this clarity escaped me back then – all I could feel was the ‘lack’ and absence of validation, acceptance of me and my tears.

As this ‘ask’ took shape as words in my mind, I began sobbing with an urgency that was very cathartic and it actually felt like this was IT! This would be my MAIN ask. Yes! (I would be lying if I pretended here that I didn’t still have a list of at least 10 more wishes in my head!)

I followed the dieta to the T. I was amazed with myself actually, being a girl who has struggled with an eating disorder, weight issues for over 2 decades, that I could actually practice the ‘cleaning up’ of my body in this way, giving up tasty foods and flavours for 25 days like I managed to! Also, I am used to giving myself orgasms frequently – I even gave that up for 25+ days before the ceremonies!! Wow! In hindsight I really did deserve to engage with Mother Aya, as I was truly devoted and sincere in my curiosity.

Before we go on, I think I should illuminate the ‘no sex/ orgasm’ rule a bit here for those who are uninitiated in this regard – basically the sacral chakra (also known as the sex chakra, located below the navel, in the area of our perineum, associated with our sex organs) is the energy center that holds and powers our sexual energies of course, but also our creativity, vitality, intuition. Sexual energy is SACRED. Hence, the requirement and recommendation to preserve this ‘sacred’ energy in the run-up to ceremony as well as in the follow-up. It made total sense to me as the days went by.

(Also, as I learnt in the days and months around the ceremony-week, an orgasm is a huge opportunity to HEAL ancestral/past-life wounds and trauma – more on this in my LSD post to come)

When I signed up for the ceremonies (three in total), I didn’t know what to expect, whether I would follow through or fall through, how it would all turn out, but there was an invisible force that was taking me/ guiding me along the way, AND surprisingly enough, I remained open-minded through it all! This, I am sure, had been the incremental effect of all the desperate participation I showed in meditation workshops, one after the other, over 12 or more months before I even ‘chanced upon’ Ayahuasca. Since coming back to a pseudo-normal state post the initial grief and disasters (from the dissolving marriage) I had begun signing up as a student for healing modalities – Pranic Healing, Theta Healing. I had joined this wondrous place called ‘The Lotus‘, which introduced me to a whole new paradigm of spiritual tools (Lucia Light No.3, Sensory Depravation etc.)

One thing led to another, one person led to another, one meditation workshop led to another AND I came into contact with all sorts of ‘alternative’ people (teachers and guides) – from auto-writers to psychics, to sound-healers, clairvoyants, curanderos, animal-communicators, my very own Third Eye! It was a year or more filled with spiritual adventures. It was new, scary, exhilarating, eye-opening, mind-expanding.

It was only fitting that at the end of that year, I was nudged again and again (by my wonderful guides and friends at The Lotus aka Aarti my lovely & Namit, the founder) to go and work with the Ayahuasca energy. They said ‘it was time‘ having been familiar with my desperate search for Myself and truths and ‘healing’.

I came into contact with a clairvoyant who brought me to tears by reading a ‘spiritual graduation in the offing’ for me (2 months before the Aya ceremonies!!!)

What I am trying to express here is that it was almost like a whole network of people and events building it up, building me up, orchestrating the moment when I would pick up a ‘welcome and cautionary call’ from Brother T, a conversation that, in equal measure, scared and enthralled me – And just a month later, I would be sitting in a taxi, all by myself, traveling from Mumbai to the venue, sobbing uncontrollable tears in anticipation of the ceremonies beginning two evenings later.

I must also document this here – I had quit my advertising job in Feb’2019, having gotten utterly disillusioned by that lifestyle and routine (no matter how well it paid and secured my ‘independence’), and felt absolutely aimless, jobless, confused about my role in the world since. I mean, I knew what I didn’t want to do anymore, but not what I wanted to OR what I was meant to. And needless to say, everywhere I went and most people I met – strangers/ acquaintances or old friends – either innocently or intentionally stirred up my confusion, insecurities about ‘what am I doing’. Recently divorced, living alone, jobless, running on ‘savings’ fumes etc. – ‘What are your plans Anjuri?’

Well, Anjuri was gearing up for Ayahuasca, after having ‘invested’ most of her savings in meditation workshops and healing courses already! Ha!

So, when I learnt about the amount of money (fee) I needed to invest in Aya ceremonies that I had signed up for – I panicked. Anxiety struck about the ‘amount’ given all my horrible anxious doubts and thoughts about doing this thing. I kid you not, when I randomly opened my wardrobe safe, to check for something else, and FOUND ALMOST THE EXACT AMOUNT OF MONEY I NEEDED to pay for my retreat (stay and ceremony) – I KNEW THAT THIS IS IT! I am being helped to do this. I was!

It’s not like the money magically appeared there – at least I don’t think it did (I’m still quite cynical and skeptical about things), but the money was there – it was already taken care of, without me realising it. Money (cash) had collected over time, randomly, and was there for me to comfortably experience what I wanted to!

I have to state here categorically, I am big believer (despite stating that I am still quite cynical above) in life’s magic since. I think it’s always been around me, the magic, it’s just that only NOW I am alive and available enough to NOTICE IT ALL AROUND ME.

I DO NOT MISS ANY MAGIC AROUND ME ANY MORE! I SEE IT ALL. I SOAK IT ALL IN. LIFE IS BLOODY MAGICAL. Who needs sorcery, when Life is magical enough!?

(to be continued in Part 3)